domenica 13 marzo 2011

Wuss-i-fication: a tale of a man's frustrated tenderness

Personal post time.

Ok, so, basically, i've been through a VERY rough patch lately. I dont know what happened to my head, since it was pretty strong in the last, say, year but let's say i have relapsed into full depression. I have panic attacks that wake me in the middle of the night, weird thoughts, bursrst of anger and tears, mood swings. No i'm not saying FML, just acknwoledging that something in the chemistry of my second favourite organ has gone haywire.

So, i was having a rough time handling even the most menial tasks. Could get into work quite easily, in a robotic fashion but couldnt sleep. Keith Malley's audiobook version of "The Great American Novel" helped but still, a black wave of horror was (and is) behind every corner.

I just wanted to shut off from everything and sleep. My schedule had me attending a thunderously heavy show by one of my favourite bands, the doom kings "Electric Wizard", not far from my home town. One of my best friends, who apparently resisted all my tenacious attempts to push away everyone and still cares about me, invivted me to see the show with him and stay at his house. That would've been a good chance to meet his newlyborn daughter, Arianna, whom in the haze of my lame despair, i hadnt seen yet.

The problem with this thing is that it reenforces itself. You shut yourself off from friends cause going out scares you, being with people is unsafe, panic makes you wanto to hide. And with each time you do it, you feel more guilty for pushing away everyone, so you're embarassed to show your face even more.

In my paranoia addled brain, fueled by scarcely working meds and insomnia, i was going as far as thinking i couldnt show myself in the presence of his daughter cause i was a dangerous person. i am very self aware of my issues. And i am scared to death of being regarded as a disturbed person. Nobody really does that, i keep the details to myself. Still, my mother, who's tough as nails, loves to hit me at any chance she has with phrases on what a "sad nutjob" i am. And loves to convince me that people will be afraid of me and get me locked into an asylum. She's a drunk. Thats waht they do.

So i knew i had to do it. But i was afraid. Afraid to move. Afraid to touch the baby and hurt her. Afraid to raise my voice to loud and scare her. And again, i am NOT that type of person. But i've been raised by someone like that and i'm afraid it might be in me. So i cage it before it happens.

Eventually i ended up going. Fillin my earbuds with music so my brain wouldnt think. A hard rain, a hat and a racing heart. If i failed this, i would've been finished. Locked in an asylum, with mother laughing at me and saying "i told ya".

I reached their house, went in and heard the little one crying for hunger. So i approached her, in the arms of my buddy (who never looked so small as in with a little version of himself in his arms). He said "Say hi to Uncle Andrea".

And she stopped crying. To look at me. With two tiny, powerful blue eyes and a heartshaped mouth. With that confused but stern face that toddlers have. She scrutinized me, like a tiny pink Buddha and apparently approved. Gave a tiny "Guh" then resumed asking for milk.

See, i am a tough person. I've abused myself and hated more than loved. Always said that whoever didnt like me was my enemy. Always acted cocky and superior even at my lowest points. But lately, the shield is breaking, and my bones arent the same as they used to. I need something and i'm not sure i have it yet, but still, somepart of me clicked and i felt at peace. I dont think babies are smart or cute. I dont want any. But seeing that THIS one actually liked me somehow and wasnt afraid, seeing that her dad and mom wanted me to be around her.... That i WASNT seen as a broken man and the only person who's afraid of me, it's me.... Mad me feel at peace.

The rest of the night was heaven. I had fun. Stayed sober. And i still feel great. It will go back in the dark. I know it. But i feel a bit stronger, now. It's one step.

Ok. Now you can point and laugh, douches.

2 commenti:

  1. I'm glad you had that moment of happiness and clarity. Depression is a strong and evil beast that will beat us down if it can. All you can do is keep fighting it the best you can. Keep on fighting Andrea! It's moments like those that make you remember that life is worthwhile

  2. yeah, thanks. your shows helped a lot too. its hard to deal with it cause im bi-polar so any slight hit takes me down. but i'm thick skinned.