Writing Lessons: How To Start a Bestseller...

So, it seems like some of you read my post about the delightful art of word scrabblin and want to tak it up. Lets face it though: self satisfaction is nice and cool, but what's a pssion for, if it doesnt make you rich? We all know that money is the most important thing in the whole world followed by fame, and oral sex. So let's all try to analyze some potential premises for books destined to be BESTSELLERS!

Lets look at the charts.....

Ok....

1) The "Twilight" Style Fantasy Romance

"Estella radiated purity and femininity. She had the magnificience that blossoming flowers have, filled with the heat and energy that young women have. Her blue eyes were staring at the sea longingly, sending flames of longing desire towards him, her Antoine. He looked at her, his heart shattered. Their love was impossible yet strong. They would've fought for it, even if the oceans themselves were against them. A human and a giant Octopus....."

Slap a black cover on it, with two attractive models. CHa-CHING!

2) The Heartwrenching True Story

"I was only fourteen when we met. I came from an abusive family and my mother abandoned me a bit after i was born. But He was her gift to me. He gave her strength, while being an abused pregnant teen in a dangerous quarter. He kept a smile on her face and made her less lonely. And she gave him to me. And it gave me strength when my abusive stepfather beat me and starved me, when no one would listen to me. Through the struggles of alcoholism and substance abuse. Through defeating my illiteracy. He was always there. And now he was dying. My first, favourite, giant dildo, was broken...."

Make up a name for the author like, possibly ethnic (not to be racist, but you gotta push on the white suburbanite housewife's guilt). A fake bio. Some weird excuse to not show up at interviews (dont get caught though. remember the million little pieces guy? yeesh). Oh and the uplifting ending. Possibly religious. Like, she finds god and he fixes the dildo with angel feathers. That Stuff.

3) The Gangster Story

"It was me, Paulie Provoloni and Tony Tortellino. We were buddies since we were lil tots. We grew up in tough neighbourhoods and fought our way to respect, like true italians. Like the Jersey Shore guys. We had to do bad stuff, we had to cross lines. But people feared us now and our gang was making the big jump to become the lords of the city. We only had one big hit, the one who would have helped us become big. It was risky, but we had guts and brains. And Balls. We were gonna kidnap The Birds from "Angry Birds..."

Add some realistic slang, like lots of "AYEEEE OOOOOO!"; "MARONNN" "GABAGOOOOOSH!" and stuff like that. If you feel brave, do it with black characters that say "damn" "Niggahh" and so on. But that might be risky. Still, if you're one third or fully black, you will be fine. No other ethnicities though. Too complicated.


Ok try these for once. Eventually i'll give you more. Trust me, you'll be famous. I know about fame, i have a blog!