martedì 28 febbraio 2012

Your Best Friend Is The Enemy

In times of trouble, tension and turmoil, and were stuk in those times now, as we've been for a long, long time, one has to realize that, even if life would be much easier to handle if people were reasonalbe and able to think twice before they speak, ponder opver situations and statemnts, act and speak with a combination of guts, brains and heart, that is very diffucult to make practice.

As a consequence, if you are a thinker, a rational person, who faced with daily anger, fights and small and big issues that all rotate toward the gigantic flaw of mankind, which is interaction, you shall get ready for one thing: recognize enemies.

The idea of enemies might strike you oddly, if youre used to befriend people. An enemy isnt necessarily someone who hates you or you hate. It isnt solely an individual who damages your health, life or mental stability in a direct manner. Those exist, but they are almost a blessing, because they are easy to find, identifiable, targetable and in the open about their role.

The real risk is not realizing when you are surrounded by them in hiding, or to use a very silly clichée, in sheep clothing.

Hardly before now i have realized how a lot of people i usually would identify as harmless or even feiendly, can quickly turn into poison during a daily existence or a casual conversation.

And even if at times, your own passion might feel like a burden to you, do not give it up. Fighting makes you alive, and even the small fights are necessary, if you have to protect people you love or most importantly, the integrity of your own soul.

See your own spirit, and i swear this is not meant to be one of those disgusting new age-y metaphores, as a fire that needs to be kept alive and well. You can keep the high road about the insigngicant silliness of most arguments, about people's petty negativity and about their small repulsive soul-hole. Still, you need to be true to your own heart and it's values. So if you're a decent person, like i think you probably are if you are reading this, remember clearly:

They will hide that as "their right to speak openly", as irony or as a casual statemnt. But its isnt.

They will try to shove hatred in your ears, make spiteful statements in public or on social networks (and no matter what people say, every word counts, even if it's "only on the internet".

They will clap when people die, make hateful jokes about others pain, spew homophobia, racism, sexism and bile,. masking it with their own need to be 'incorrect.

They will promote illiteracy, indifference, apathy, disgust towards life and cynicsm as positive values.

Try to conince you that sarcasm is always good and that not caring is hpow it must be. That you are silly and juvenile for loving life and all that it has to give, that your passion is wrong and misdirected, that you have to be empoty, bitter and carelss like they are.

They will, sometimes make you hate a right cause becauser they use it for hate. They will use the rightyful fight for animal rightys, for women or for children to turn the game upside down and use it as a werapon toi attack others. And you will question everything you thought was right. And also why peoiple you trusted, loved and admired, suddenly became that way. At first it might be a smnall thing, and insignificant one. But it wont stop there.

So do not be afraid to fight back. And be true to your own fire. Even if it costs at first. Always fight for the thibngs you think are right.

mercoledì 22 febbraio 2012


I might conseder myself above the adulthood line. I have matured, ripened and gone through a fast process of decay that has gained the prize of "Cranky Old Fuck".

Now i'm well too good natured and slightly smart to be one of those sad cases that become ten times more annoying than the old relatives they have stuck into a hospice, before they reach the age of forty. I still enjoy life. If anything, my maturity has made me enjoy life more, purified from the slight amount of idioticv obsessions that i got in the past years. I love my passions. I love sex. I love love.

I wont be sitting at home all day staring at the emptiness, cause i'm "too old"

I wont become ignorant, apathetic and without interests cause "i'm too busy" (there is no such thing as too busy. even at the busiest. Just admit youre dead)

I wont start chuckling at what i liked in the past, saying that lethal sentence that is "ah, i was young back then, i was foolish....". Thereis NO limit age to be foolish.

I will always enjoy my guilty pleasures. Only my pleasures have no guilt. Cause pleasure is pure. has no age, has no shame and makes your life tasteful.

I will not have shame or bitterness or frustration in my heart cause no matter how down i am and how quick life is going by, i know i will be able to be awesome to my last dying breathe, because that is how i am.

If i have a child, i will spend time and effort on making it happy and not on sermonizing on the mount about how enlightened i am or how people dont "get it" or how "i have a better view of the world" since i (partially) contributed at creating a talking pink thing.

Still there are a few reasonings that i might have acquired through the later stages of my maturation:

- The myth of bullied kids taking over their bullies when time passes by, is a myth. Weak and bullied kids will meet new bullies in the future. The bullies will probably be succesful, cause yes a lot of them are potential failures but even more will actually use the very reasons they were bullies to be succesful: attitude and a rich, money filled upbringing. A rich asshole kids that has a family that will back him up no matter how cruel and mean he is, will not get any comeuppance. He will become an important person and bully his employees even more. Maybe even harass or downright abuse a few. And hat will be regarded as "Balls".

And the frail, intelligent, sensitive kids will grow up frustrated and dry up or worse, find drugs and self destruction. The only way out is hardening up and yet keep a little bit of yourr heart alive. And on that, parents can help. Get off thata ss once in a while.

- I still am concinced that parretning isnt supposed to be nothing more than giving you child support and the basics to stand on his own legs. If they dont do that, it's nto your fault. You can admit that: your child is a loser that will never amount to anything. You have not fucked up. Losers sometimes are bor like that and theres no amount of good parenting that will fix that.

Still, you at least have to guarantee to your kids a solid, loving background. If you are a single lady with a million kids and yet you keep dating douchebags, you have no right to whine on how life is not fair. You possibly have something broken in you that will doom all your children to eternal unhappiness. So stop having kids, give yours to better parents and put a corkscrew in that thing. Oh and if you are a man, causing that? Cut it off. Youre a biological hazard with pants.

That said i love babies. like a lot. especially the one that isnt mine. so i might be bad parent one day, who knows.

- Young people are stupid. Its not age difference or a different world. they are morons with moronic taste. They will be our downfall. That said i like Bieber's voice in Mistletoe.

Farewell, minions.

venerdì 17 febbraio 2012


Guilt is a virus-. Of all the flesh rotting creatures that can infest bodies or the crippling miscommunications that can destroy your brain, guilt terrifies me.

I feel responsible and guilty of not being able to be good enough.

And that goes beyond, any success, or solution to problems, or ability to make things that i might or might not have. My father threatens mw with suicide attempts. He makes my mother more ill than she should be.

None of the two things are really a part of the point im trying to make. I'm just realizing that my existence is affected by people, it shpould not be affected from. And the ways in which they manipulate the holes i have left in my personality while trying to become an adult, or even a person.

I am not good. I have never been. I made confued choices and now i am not able to make things right. And i feel guilty for not being a better person.

I feel like i should be more indifferent, so that i could focus my energies on other issues and be there for the ones who really need me.

I have deceived them, giving them the idea that i am a good person, ablke to support and string. But i crumble. And no, it isnt something that happens cause we are humans. We do not have the right to be humans. We are supposed to be better, to outgrow our humanity. The good ones do. Good parents, good lovers, good friends. They get over their humanity and flaws and are able to improve other's life, insted of losing their strength of the obstacles.

Good people give and rebuild their strength at each fall so they could give again. A good person does not say "i'm sorry this is a bad day", cause their only reason to be, is providing comfort and strength for their loved ones. And if they fail at that, they do not get excuses.

I fail constantly and seeing people believing in me, hurts even more.

I am not able to support the one si love., cause i let evil suck the life out of me. And if it aint evil, i still am not able to do good for them either.

Mine is the worst type of evil: i am not good, i am not bad. I am inconsequential. I do not do. My actions are thepretical. My positivity is in words that disappear and leave no trace. I am a series of sentences with no actions. I am promises that get not fulfilled.

Done. You can go read something else.

mercoledì 8 febbraio 2012


Woke up for the twentieth morning in a rown with a cloud in my brain. And each day it takes different cotton-like shape. It feels and tastes like sour milk and cigarette smoke. Often it has the aftertaste odf the couple of cigarettes that i might have ended up smoking the night before, lonely and pponderous ayt an icy temperature on a balcony covered with remains of dirty, mud like snow.

It's an addiction as it has hardly been before, it was more innocent back then. Yes, i drank like a sucidal person and with that came packs and packs of swiftly shaped venom. But there was a purpose behind that. Maybe standing outside with other addicts like you, rambling about pointless topic, heòlped by the noble power alcohol has to make even the most pathetic and vile of verbal self degradations seem so clear and necessary at some times.

Now it's a fight with myself. An"i shall quit, only one". Followed by a few tokes of nausea inducing crap that cause me anxiety and self hatred.

And when i wake up the toughts collide in my head. I have little money. Im practically unemployed. I feel pointless and hopeless. I am loved but i dont deserve that love, because i cannot do anything really good for those who love me because im impotent in my condition. And anxiety, spread all over the place like rotten jam.

And realizing, every day more, how the world hasnt change around me. Neither have i changed. Age hasnt brought disenchantmenbt or worries. It hasnt given me lucidity or being outdates. A lot of the failkyures i suyrrounded myself with in my twenties are still failures now. And we are all fighting against a life that feels like a slow trickling poison that is killing our souls with a slow, gangrenous death and taking away its very own energy.

But what is really killing me is how apathy has won. It always won in the past but never quite like this. This is when you realize that the only two options are either letting your own heart die inside of you or slip into despair because you keep trying to fix things but they break to pieces, smaller and smaller under your hands.

And whenever you swam out of the shit pool you feel like it was pointlesssince nothing has changed and youre exactly where you wer ebefore. And fights are won, but wars just get bigger and bigger.

And you look around. And the passions you had are now something that slows you down. Music is heard, not listened to. Its there, all alike, like a nuimb lifeless sound in the background to which no one besides teenagers who still have their brains filled up with delusions of hope. Its something that exists but no one really loves. And other form of art, entertainment, beauty. Its all one big cloud of stuff that you have there but you barely notice.

And slowly, indifference has become a necessity, because everything you loved costs you money and time and an investment that keeps getting more and more fruitless and empty. And you tell yourself that you're doing it for your own pleasure, that passions are what makes life better. But the silent truth in the deeper layers of your heart is that, maybe, you dont really care anymore. And that you would feel much lighter if you were like everyone else, numb, detached, focused on single daily goals like survival and enrichment. Ignorant and indifferenty, only retaining the infromations that you will need for the next ten minutes. Spending times with people and having sexual intercourse. Not loving.

All it takes to get there is a second for your brain to give up. And its getting harder to resist.

martedì 7 febbraio 2012

It's a a hard road to rationalization.

I consider myslef a good person. I might have a lot of hard opinions on issues and i'm far from balanced or morally clean. I have had my moments of open minded niceness, and my belief in the chance of improving the world or at least making it humanly tolerable exiusted at some point. Yet, with years and disillusions, that belief faded away like a poster for a cool convention that no one attended.

It rained on it and was replaced by the need of being more strong an inflexible on a few belief, so i wouldnt slowly drown into the cotton mouthed quicksands of apathy.

No, i do not believe in the legal systetm, i stated that before. And i also often think that capital punishment could be neccessary. And yes, i have a vehement hate focused on how in modern society, rapists, abusers and murderers tend to be the ones that afford justice.

That happens because criminals,- often, are backed up by families or people that are prone to get them out of prison and punsihment at any cost. And the protection of a lwayer is a good that is traded like any other good. Justice is now debatablre, and modifiable through an exercise of literatre wording, made more easily poiled by the inner manipulations of legal shenanigans.

Yes, i am aware of the frutration that such view causes. And i have felt angry before.

Yet , this morning, some person opted ofr posting in a public network an image coming from the streets of Brazil. Depitcting a man accused of rape, and punished through streeet justice, his genitals cut and stuck in his throat, as a statement. His victims were, alllegedly, children.

Under the picture a stement but the poster, in the lines of "share if you want this type of justice to be used in our country". Under that, any form of open reaction of digust was sturned into an accusation of being pro-rape. Else, it was celebration and excitement.

While on a conceptual level, i can understand the gut reaction against rape, whether it involves children or not, and on thta there could a be a long sicussion, since it seems that a lot of people are volatile if the rape involves children but get suddenly more prone to forgiveness when its full gwon adults, i cannot, as a human being, accept the mentality behind that.

Not because i am civilized, or a prude. I hate too.

But what that really is, isnt a need to make a statement for justice: it's pornography of hatred. Litterally.

Violence and anger are connected to sexuality, when it comes to males. And in the modern age, the main justification for the not-so-secret arousal you ahve towards an image of violence, is a need for justice. A need to set things right. A need to do a greater good where someone else failed.

To explain more clearly: you are using the excuse of justice to sporead and cover up your unjhealthy exzcitement towards violence. And to not be labeled as sick, vile individual, as you are, you use the shield of justice and freedom of thought. Your beliefs are the cloak under which you hide your sickness.

The obsession for showing animal cruelty to promote an animalist message is simlar: you are basically excited by the sudden burst of adfrenaline you receive from your won idnignation or sickness but you cover that shameful feeling with a good cause. Once we had "faces of death", now we have social statements.

It's obsessing on child pron ography in the name of children. Abuse in the name of equal rights. Racial jokes against racism.

But dont post tits, those are dirty.