giovedì 5 maggio 2011

Welcome To The Jungle, The Fax Is Broken

Let's be honest and clear: i am not over using the most clichéed and abused "humorous blog" tricks in order to make potsts that amuse myself (and, eventually, you all). So, before you think "Hey, Andrea, you stupid fat balding guido. You're an idiot and your taste in music sucks", let me tell you that you're rude and i'm hurt. And also that i'm aware that posts like this one are all over the internet, but they're quite funny. Also, my musical taste doesnt suck. Fuck you.

Ive worked in a good number of different places, and i noticed that the fauna in offices seems to be the most unqiue, and characteristic. Apparently the types change a bit according to ther workplace, but a few of them are persistent. So here's the ones i met the most, with different names, gender and positions, but psychologically similar.

Mister Scumbag

Usuallly he is a mid level boss (again i will use mostly male-centered definitons, cause all negative stetrotupes are male in my head). He doesnt have enough powere to have actual ruling abilities or heavy responsabilities, yet he has enough power or links to be free to do almost whatever he wants. He is crass, a racist, a mysoginist, full of prejudices, takes credit for other people's work while being mostruosly incompetent, brags about abilities he does not have (like speaking fluent english where his sentences sound like 'i are sended the documentations right now, thank you a lot of muchest'), has draconian ideas about the workplace hierarchy, tells horrid jokes, is condescneding. Most workers can afford to ignore him completely and simply nod without listening to what he says. Temps, low level workers or very young ones are usally his favourite victims. He wont fire you or seriously hurt you (his sexual molestation is pretty tame and mostly ridiculous), but he will make you want to quit and slowly drive you nuts.

The Evil Lord

Now this one is abit more delicate. He actually has power, he leads the place, and has gotten where he is by cutting throats and exploiting people. Often he is unseen on the workplace and is generally acting somewhere else, but the few times he visits, you can feel the terror in the air. Having to deal with him is never a pleasant experience, since he's usally a dangerous person and can break projects and careers on a whim. Just be careful and avoid him. Kissing his ass can work, but if you do he could turn you into his slave (more on that later). Pay also attention to the reatrded relatives he usually plants around offices. They're usually "Mister Scumbags" or severly incompetent but they're untouchable

The Minion

The minion used to be a normal worker, sometime brilliant, but he/she decided to sell his soul to the evil lord, hoping to have a better chance at a promising future. Like in a third rate "Star Wars" spoof (say, The Bible, for example). his ability was taken from him and used for evil, his hopes crushed and transformed into the corporate motto and he was forced to betray friends, beliefs and genrally be a douche. Their only chance at feeling human again is being cruel rats towards their ex-coworkers, which hate their guts. Newbies will trust their fake confident attitude, but will end up burnt usually. Minions often sleep with evil lordcs, some time they have an history of abortions, teary nights, medicinbals, therapy, suicide attempts, promises of a bright future (but evil lords never leave their wives). Some of them actually go insane and might try to sympathiza with you, during a coffee/cigarette break. DO NOT FALL FOR THAT.

The Moron

He is usually that guy who sits next to you and makes your day longer. He isnt a bad person, at all. But he is empty as a charlie sheen coke bag. He doesnt really care about anything, he's burnt out, jaded, stressed and offensively ingorant and apthetic. He isnt very good at what he does, merely survives by competence. He resents everything and everyone and expresses it with his monotone pointless statements ("heh fuck, whatchagonnado"). Opens the days asking you five questions about you, never listens to the answers. Cant do shit and usually fucks up stuff. Dont get angry, his existence is worthy as the doormat's one. Probably less.

Smiley McCut-throat

This one is actually smart. Knows stuff, is genuinely helpful at first, can be an amazing work partner, and you can have decent conversation with him sometimes. Smiles a lot, almost constantly. Has a chirpy attitude, motivational stuff on their desk, picture of their kids on their desktop. Throws a lot of office parties. Still, when the time comes, they will destroy you. They will talk shit about you, backstab you, steal your work,. try to harm your career and life, diffuse rumours, sabotage you. And if you react indignantly, they will mon you until you go crazy. Best solution? Be Like Them. Smile, but watch out. Always.


Not particularly competent or funny but he sticks out for one thing: hes a gross pig. He has the worst jokes, porn pictures on his computer, made up tales of sexual perverisity (of the bad kind, not funny. lots of times they involve prostitutes, booze and STD's). If youre a lady he will almost raoe you, until you threaten him. Then he will run away, cause like all that type of guys, he's a coward. He's often married with dominat angry women and is totally pussywhipped in private

The Angry Ass

This guy has an opinion about any topic, usually wrong and he will shout it repeatedly. He is sublimely ignorant about everything but as the true ignorants, he thinks the little he knows is superior knowledge. Generally reads pointless factoids while hes on the shitter or prentending to work and creates giant fucked up theories or beliefs on those.. The proceeds to shout said stuff at anyone, shouting louder if they dont agree. Big conspiracy theorist. Duh.

The Misunderstood Wannabe Genius

This fella has no competence, smarts or special ability whatsoever but he thinks hge does. So he overcompensates with poser attitude. Usually he thinks hes a potential minion but he doesnt have the actual balls to be one. Has some weird, pointless role, like "Creative assistent". Dress like an art critic, doesnt shave, smokes a lot, is neurotic, flirts with everyone but is often sexually inadequate, brags a lot about past adventures that never happened. Writes some amazingly convoluted memos that look like Surrealist Poems and end up being about the coffee pot needin refills.

Ok, fags. Add your own, and comment if you like. Or not

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