domenica 22 maggio 2011

A Moment Of Unclarity

I'll try to describe the moment.

I slept badly tonight. Lot of heavy dreams, covered with a thick, strange, black goo, that reproduce moments of the daily drag, in a more oxygen deprived way. Some sort of Groundhog Day replaying of embarassign crap, coupled with immagination and fear. Then waking up like i'm rising from a swamp of tar, breathing badly. My brain trying to run off the clutch of sleeping pills, which give me the ability to actually sleep a number of hours and get some slight third rate addict buzz but put my dreamin into a vice, making it drown slowly and making a chore of getting out of it.

I feel like i'm about to die when i open my eyes. The night out has left nothing but a slight, sour taste of pointless, funless, pretending.

When the sun is up on full throttle, it's when the chemicals in my head are at their lowest spot. The moment i'm awake, i just want to sleep more. I hate being awake. Even if i had nightmares. And i hate being awake on a sunaday even more. A sunday is a long drag, made of daylight, fake social happiness and free tiem to think about disappointments. So i'd rather be hung over like i used to. Have a series of symptoms that could justify this. Although i cant stand the hangover now, the nausea, the shivers, the headaches, cause they would just hold hands withg my brain and turn this shit pit into something even tighter.

I just wanna sleep again, possibly not wake up. Still i cant sleep much more.

So its time to wake. I chat a bit with the person i love the most in this world and it makes me feel like everything is going to be alright for a minute. I try to rest some morre and fail. Panic creeps in.

I have to drink coffee, add my natural uppers, just to fight the meds trying to mute my head anbd be on a decent level. Its what suyicidal drugged up star do. I used to do worse, i actually did it with drugs and medicines, no its only with natural stuff, if possible. Having to pop pills cause therapy made me, then taking natural uppers to avoid going too low.

Today they go in the wrong direction and they help terror being stronger. Things seem sdo black today. I dont like the way things are going, i dont like my life. I cant complain to pfirends too much cause i know these moments come and go and when they're here, there is no solution. I would suck them dry and make them hate me, it happened before. there's no fixing for this. all i have to do is wait for it to go.

Still. Its like the walls are closing in. I dont know why, but i keep checking my txts and thinking why such and such hasnt talked to me in a while. Maybe, its because i havent called them, ever, and been a complete douche. And yet my head takes the cue and starts spinning. I feel like i did it all wrong. My job was a mistake, my solitude will kill me. I can fuck but i cant love. I am a walking dead. And i hate whining, even to myself.

The heat is suffoicating and my heart is racing. The head feels like a thousand nails are diggin in. The blood pressure raises and i feel the mental pain become physical. For a second, i really want to die.

Clench teeth and focus. I can get out of this. I have to.

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