There's a weird drawback to building up your brain's self-preservation ability and surviving the overflow of crushing emotions that come from life on a daily basis.
To clarigy, i personally like to have a large heart at times. I like to let people have a piece of it and be passionate about stuff. I like to care. Still, as i talked about in a past post, the right way to survive and interact with a universe of emotional overloads, where you can easily be thrown from happiness to despair in a few seconds, and if you're not careful, slowly driven insane, is being analytical, smart and detached. Have a peaceful ground where you can keep your soul and brain cool and take what happens with the right dose of reflection to it.
It's hard to be that way. Lately, i've been thinking its almost impossible. Even after years of hardening, therapy and good advice, my ability to stay calm and focused can be shattered with a few hits. It's very easy to fall into panic, despair or anger. Or to not understand why people act the way they do. There's a high level of unpredictability to everything, especially people's actions and thoughts, that, yes it's one of the spices of life, but it's also frightening and unstable.
So surviving that is one of the hardest thing i have to deal with daily. It's not an illness or somnething i consider a burden on my life, but it makes living heavy at times.
One reason for it's difficulty is that the easiest way to survive would be numbess and apathy. As much as i hate apathy and indifference, i envy people who are that numbv. I always thought that way to "not care" was a death of the spirit but at times, i wonder if their way to live is the right one. Ignorance, indifference, coldness, are bad. I cant work them into my system, they're not me. I cannot avoid being passionate on stuff or get hurt and angry when i'm faced with the next wall of failure and disappointment. But still i envy who has such antibodies. They seem to live a good life.
Also, and here's the core of my point..... Being like me is lonely. I am not alone, at all. I have lots of people who are part of my life. Some of them, are a part of me. Still, every day, for hours, i feel completely alone in my head. I feel like every thought i have is unheard, or misunderstood. I feel like what i say has no point or matters at all. I feel like people like me, maybe even love me, but my absenmce woould really make no difference. I dont have a close relationship with my family, i have no children or am married. I have flirts, i even fall in love at times, but i cant seem to connect in depth. Its sort of a choice. I wanted to be that way, or maybe i never had the skills or application needed to make that work out.
Normally it dopesnt bother me. But at times, realizing that i dont have anything that will be left when i'm gone, and that no one will really miss me, besides a few moments right after my passing, is a weird thought to have. Not painful, just weird.
I am lonely, when i'm surrounded by people. I might have made it that way. Even when i'm in a group, i am the disconnected one. I socialize and am the life of the party, always, everyone will enjoy my presence and all. But i wont feel connections to anyone. They will look for me and i will hide cause i dont wanna be too close with them. Because being close hurts me. So i made my bubble a shelter. But its fucking lonely and i dont know how to get out.
Ok enough emotions for this week. Maybe.