Wether you have experienced depresssion or weird chemical imbalances or not, you might have enocuntered the abysmal weirdness of "The Block". Creative people talk about their writer/painter/whatever's block, but the syndorme expands to something larger for whoever has some sort of brain dysfunction.
I've been fighting with this, as a result of some strange side effect of the change of season, couypled with a non-stellar period on an emotional level. Seems like my brain is getting used to meds and doesnt cope with negativity as well as it should, so after a stressing weeks, it's spilling nega-juice all over itself. The main effect is panic, a general sense of bad mood, half the day (especially the day section) being very difficult and almost torturous to get through. And "The Block"
"The Block" manifests itslef like some weird glue has been pured inside your brain. Where my neural cells usually pop and sparkle with thoughts and ideas, the main feeling in these days is a blank buzz. Not only i have no ideas or even bad ones: the brain is necrotic. All that seems to stay there, is basic thoughts of survival, automatic reactions and the mechanics of routine. I can function at work and interact with others, yet every single thought that tries to go beyond that instinctive attempt at survival just feels exhausting anjd pointless.
I think i have to cope with the fact that my brain seems to have longer and longer periods of being almost inert and able only to barely survive, where trying to milk creativity out of it also brings up panic, and some black stuff i dont feel like dealing with. The energetic moments are still there, and they're exhilarating but they are getting shorter.
I do not want to be in the hands of a therapist again. Giving money i dont have to a man who will most definitely cover me with psychobabble, give me pills, where i am fighting the current ones as they are becoming void of positive effects and add a reason for family and people who never understood what i have to treat me like i'm some sort of weird leper.
Lately ive been trying to help others who are dealing with this and it seems that i'm better at dealing with others problems than mine. But i feel like the energy is flowing out. My family needs help, people need help, i need to be productive at work and present at a social level. It's exhausting, honestly. I feel like hiding in a hole every morning, to avoid dealing all they with everything, with requests and emotions that normally i could and shoul deal with normally, but in this state make me want to constantly scream.
I have a couple of moments of peace, with people that have patience and care for me, and i love the solace theyre giving me, even if i feel like im being a leech and exploiting it. Still thanks Rhi, Tony, Victoria and Daniel. I dont think my words will ever express how grateful i am.