lunedì 20 giugno 2011

A Virus With Shoes

I realize daily, at the ripe age of thirty tree, that the ultimate state of preservation for a man, and the one that is harder to obtain is complete self sufficiency. And i'm not talking about the economic or social aspect. Well, its not all of it.

The most imperfect aspect of man as a crature is its inherent dependency on interaction and other member of its species for survival. But also how its own unique nature makes that interaction one of the grimmest sources of pain and trouble in his existence.

Take any person. Take yourself. Think of all the problems you're facing. Think of the main ones. Somehow they are all related to interaction with others or issues that are related to that. And the ones that arent related to that, like illness, are made worse by the interaction with other humans.

If your body is in pain what enhances the suffering? Dealing with the ones who do not understand you, the ones who cover you with fake pity, ignorance, cruelty, indifference, excessive care.

And sometimes, caring for someone who is ill, brings also a rain of hurt even in your interaction with them. Seeing them go is painful. Not being able to fix them is painful. And sometimes, loving them is painful. Trying to tell them you're there and realizing it doesnt matter is painful. No one can make you feel worthless like someon you love.

And addiction. It's a spiral. There's a reason for additcion being basically a constant presence in the life of everyone. Most of the time addicts are trying to fix damages made by others to their souls. Or to ease the pain caused by facing other people daily. They dont have to be cruel: some times the mere existence of some people hurts others. Simply because some times, people arent mean to exist together without intentionally or unintentionally hurt each other with words, or phrases.

A man fights unemployement and money problems. The frustration of facing disappointments daily, makes him self absorbed and egotistical. He shies away from friends and becomes obsessed by his one track minded quest for a better life. So he isolates himself. H iuis hurt by everything. Everything reminds him of his failure. His friends tell him, maybe jokingly, maybe not, how that attitude made him miss chances. And that hurts him more and makes him shut down. He numbs the pain with booze and drugs, cause that is easier. And the side effects make him loose grasp even more.

A person that wants to fix the wounds that life inflicts wit the help of something external isnt always the bad guy. you have no idea what pain he is getting through. But theres also a degree of villainous elfishness there that makes him only focused on his own momentary numbness and his need to feel better, if only for a minute. And he doesnt care how seeing him do that hurts the ones who love him. They should understand. And to a point they do. But It hurts, cause it feels like nothing they can say or do will help and they will only be able to watch while it happens.

So maybe one day they have scars of their own to numb.

And the cycle goes on.

For all the good it brings, love is also a disease that hurts and is spread frpom one person to another through tiny little moments that slowly but surely break people.

Than you either dry up and live without ever caring for anyone, hurting people so you dont get hurt. And one day you wake up and suddenly you realize that it is not only easier to stop feeling, but you kinda feel better, almost good, in living only for yourself. But its hard to cease being human.

So the other way is quitting. They say its the cowards way out. And it does destroy everyone else around you. Cause everyone you leave behind will have to bear that burden forever. So the cycle goes on.

I wish there was a way out. Some days i see it. Some i dont. Today i dont.

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