domenica 19 giugno 2011

Leaving Love Out For Better Living

I've been informed that today is Father's Day. I wont celebrate it.

I'm not against society pushed holidays that make people remember about things they should understand on their own, like Valentine's Day. But i dont need to say "i love you" to my father or be thankful to him, not even today. Because i'm not.

I dont think i should feel ashamed of that. I realized, getting older, that feelings are supposed to be natural and sometimes, they just fade away for some reason or another. People usually force themselves into "fixing" things or "reconnecting" with people. And in my opinion all they do is make things worse.

I do not love my father. He did good thgings for me, i will always remember them. He is not a bad person. And not a really good one either. He's flawed like evryone else. But i do not feel love for him, no matter what. I feel moments of affection at times, especially when i realize that he is old and frequentlyill. I still try my best to take care of him and i will be next to him till the end if he end up in the hospital again. But thats because he is my father and i feel that being a man, also includes getting over even the worst rivers of shit and be close to the ones in need. Its not about making things right, cause nobody does. But i have a conscience and a dignity so i wont be one of thoase ridiculously callous people who dont show at a father's deathbed to prove some useless point.

Still, nothing to celbrate. He helped me into existence, took care of me, fed me. We dont love each other and theres nothing to celebrate.

And i think this attitude would make a lot of lives better, if applied correctly. You dont have to love most people. You dont choose your family and you dont have to get along with them. You can move on and have separate, mutually uninterested lives. Bew there if you're needed. Do that for yourslef. But for the rest, get over it. Its almost impossible to get along with blood relatives and in-laws and you really dont have to.

You can quit loving a person. Seems like everyone wants to fix relationships, fix marriages, compromise. All good, buyt sometimes its just an exercise in self hurting. If you realize its over, move over. Dont stay together for the memories. Not even for the kids. Your kids will sufffer ten times more in a household made by two people who cant stand each other. You will end up resnting them too cause theyre forcing you together, and that wouldnt be fair. It would poison their mind.

You can quit loving someone that still loves you too. It happens. There comes a moment when you realize something's wrong. That you dont feel like giuving anymore. That something is broken. That you need to get away to keep your mind together. It will hurt. You'll hurt others. You'll feel bad. But the lie would be much much worse cause liying helps, a lot. But in the end it eats you up like a virus and corrodes your sould, turning everything into rotten misery. And you cannot wake up withou feeling like death. So be an asshole, if you have to and go away, before it gets worse. Burn the bridges. Stop the haemorraging. What's done is done.

It happens to firendships too. Most friends you choose and are there in the brightest times and in the darkest hours. But then things die. And you need to move on. Even if people get hurt. Forcing things would just mkill you inside.

And yes. You can stop loving your own kids. I dont have any. But even if the absolute love you feel for them seems like it will last forever, everyone i know has reached a moment when it became clear that them and their spawn were two separate entities. Maybe they were grown up. Maybe they wer just never meant to be parents. In that case, still, be there and pretend as much as you can. Until they find someone to replace you with. You fucked up when you had them, and you owe them sanity.

As for the rest, love your pets. They're the only ones whose love lasts forever.

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