giovedì 30 giugno 2011
Ages ago, i used to hang out at a friends's house. She had a couple of cats who seemed to spend their whole days fucking and creating kittens. So, on a regular basis, the tiny guestroom would be littered with small furballs with a baby brain and lots of curiosity in it. I would usually sit on the couch while chatting. Once, while i was talking a couple of the tiny rogues decided to climb me as a mountain. And they did. After crossing me, the bravest of them reached the couch's erm rest. An abyss in front of him, after all that effort. The kitty realized that crossing the chasm wasnt going to happen. So he stared at me pleadingly, hoping (maybe>) that i would help him. But i missed the message i guess. So he just faced the failure of his attempt and sat there, with a tiny heart full of defeat.
I think there isnt a single day in my life where i dont think that every single spect of my existence is a failure. Usually this thought might sound like a cry for compassion, or some jelly spined vent in search of a "aw, no it isnt".
If that wasnt clear enough so far, i dont need symnpathy7. I am just aware that a lot of my life isnt what i thought it would be. And i know many people face a similar problem daily. Telling them they're wrong isnt necessarily a solution. Most people know that something in their lifer has gone wrong, that they made mistakes or that they're stuck in a bad situation. And saying "things will be better" or "it's ok" does not help.
I think a necessary part of survival is accepting the fact that you fucked up and that possibly you will fuck up again. Not in a Polyanna way, where you see the bright side of living but in a calm, accepting way, where you try to coexist with the failure and refuse to let it take over your life.
For example. When it comes to youyr love life, you're going to get disappointed a lot. Getting married is often a road to depression, with few exceptions. You can find the right person, and if you do, you're lucky. But you might not or you might end up living with the wrong one. Having a family isnt necessarily a goal or an end to your life. Things have still a high chance to get messed up but that isnt necessarily a negative. I know mothers who are more alive than before they had their kids and are great lovers. It isnt over until your dead. And yeah, you might never find love. It can happen. There isnt a chance for everybody, sadly. But that doesnt mean your life will suck. It will be incomplete, but it will have good sides to it, somehow.
Also, if you're in one of those beautiful, painful moments of a relationship where love is ripping your heart to pieces, enjoy it even if it hurts. Thats way better than the emptiness of not falling in love cause it hurts too much.
Work might never satisfy you. You might be one of those lucky ones that do something they enjoy, but even in that case, you'll face a lot of failures. Projects that dont go anywhere, shattered dreams, things that you put your heart into that suddenly become nothing because someone without a soul decided to crush them for some reason. Or you might just get stuck in a bad place where you just feel like every day is slipping away without you even noticing.
Most friendships are a failure. Daily life is, a lot of the times. Honestly i have a moment where i want to die at least once every day. Nothing in my life is where i wanted it to be, or close to my hopes and dreams. But i REFUSE to let this crush me.
I am not giving up cause ive seen the bottom and i dont want it to win.
I am not giving up cause i have always a few people who need me, no matter how many times i get told i'm useless.
I am not giving up cause i dont wanna give people the satisfaction of saying "i knew he would give up".
I am not giving up cause no matter what i'd rather live failign rather than dealing with the idea that i havent tried.
I survive failure and of that, i am proud.