You never thought it could happen to you. You were so lively, sharp and edhy. You lived your life to the fullest, always on the cusp, keeping your body in shape and your mind awake and perky. And then....
It happens. Your friends like to joke about it. You all laugh, but you're hiding your fear. Cause you know that slowly, and inesorably, you will turn into your parents.
It's the new plague that is destroying the beautiful edginess of our youth. It's the result of an age of commodity, excesses and too many Jersey Shore episodes. It's unstoppable: it's the Old Fart Disease.
You're in your late twenties or early thrities and suddenly these symptoms start to present themselves with increasing frequency:
- You find yourself using the sentences "these kids today" and "back in my day"
- You get incresingly angry in traffic, in lines or in stores and instead of simply blasting off and moving on you loose a scary amount of time, ranting and wagging stuff at people (a rolled newspaper or a finger are basically metaphors for a walking cane)
- Your friends are using the joke "we're getting old" way too much or refuse to do fun stuff in an increasing way cause "they're not kids anymore"
- Everyone is having a baby and it starts to look appealing to you too (or you already have one and you think of how nice it would be to be a grandparent)
- You have an increasing amount of weird physical issues that have nothing to do with illness or actual health problems. That means you find yourself saying "Oh my back! "Oh my ears!" "Oh, Indigestion!"
- You actually find your bowel movements an interesting topic of discussion
- You find yourself discussing the same points over and over, and often they are about inane stuff that no one cares about. People start to look at you with an air of compassionate distress.
- You follow the lives of fictional people in soap operas/reality shows more closely than the lives of real people
- You start thinking that napping all day would actually be good life
- You watch stupid stuff on TV only cause it allows you to tune out and stop thinking. Not cause you're stressed but because your brain is actually enjoying tuning out.
- When you're talking about a movie you use "whatsisname", "that thing" and "that guy" way more than necessary
- You realize that most bands you grew up with are either dead or split up or called "old school" in reviews. Also the tv shows you used to love are now considered "classics"
- You have no idea what people are saying when you read twitter, and when you try to talk like them , they dont understand you.
- Where is that thing? You just put it there? Ah whatever. (Snore).
- You actually talk to your pets more than to humans, and buying them a dress aint that bad. You're turning into a cat lady.
- Your dad has a fiancé younger than you.
I could go on. Add your own so maybe we can all save ourselves, you whippersnappers.