martedì 21 giugno 2011

Inherit The Venom

Rcently, me and my friend Srah, had an exchange of opinions on what a parent owes to his children, specifically if they owe them love and if love is an essential condition to parenting.

Partly, after reflecting about it, i think she is right: love is essential to having children and giving them love is a fundamental condition. Still i think that is limited to their earlier ages. As a parent you have to give them a basic loving place where they can plant the seeds of their adulthood. A scarred person casues the kid to be destined to be a messed up adult, although i REFUSE to put the blame on parents for a person problems.

I think a person's personality is influenced on how they're nurtured and what they lived in since and their upbringing, but at the moment they have a developed brain and the possibilities to learn what actual right or wrong is and what it is to be a decent person, if they dont, its ONLY their fault.

I've been having aslo a discussion on gender and sexual orientation that has also taken an interesting turn in that direction. No matter how many times the topic gets spinned around, i think there is only one truth: sexual identiuty is something you're born with. It has nothing to do with your upbringing or what you're taught you should be.

My family know next to nothing about my sexuality or orentation, and my trips into bisexuality. They're homophobes, even if they tried to became more open minded in their later age. Their only hint to what i tried and felt was when they read a book i wrote where i masked my experimentations as fiction. I used that trick to test their reaction and they were indifferent or opnely disgusted. So i never spoke about the topic again. My father, while he would never admit it in public, thinks homosexuality is a disease or an ill decision. Because of some spects of his personality, people have rumoured about his sexual orientation in the past, and that, sinc ehe is a small weak, angry man with lots of complexes has turned him inot a disgusted gay basher with a disdain for outed people. He would be possibly, although its mostly a feeling, one of those people who would have either excluded me from his life or tried corrective therapy, if id didnt hide myself from him and never touched the issue.

I am a straight man that has recently embraced bisexuality in a more open way. he will never know about it, unless people tell him (which might happen after this post) and even if we ever address the issue (which we wont), i will deny everything. I dont want to share my soulw ith him. Ever.

That's one thying i feel i inherited from my family: anger, and fear. I'm a fuck up because of my own choices, as i seem to be reminded by friends and loved one lately. I could've been in a much better situation today if i didnt mess up every choice i made. And its only my fault. But the way i approach it, the desire to hurt others to numb the hurt i feel, comes from what i saw and somehow still see in my house.

My mother is unhappy and she drinks to feel less so. After drinking she reaches a state where she drools over herself. But she will never act to be better, she doesnt want to. She doesnt care. And my father, which no matter what is the closest thing she has to a famnily, even if thers no love between them, will never do anything either. But what they do is get angry and attack each other and me.

I learned i have it in me too. I mess things and daily i fight this ball of pain and rage screming in my head. I see the emsses piling up and all i want is to hurt myself or others while knowing that wont solve anything. Its all that i feel though.

I inherited that from my cradle. But the fact that i'm a failure is my fault. Everytime someone slaps me in the face on how many things i did not accomplish and all the errors i made, i know they're right. But at the same time, all i want is to hurt them.

I am trying to improve. Not sure if it is too late.

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