Compromising with The Beast

A strong element o0f my constant search for balance is and has always been the struggle to keep away from apathy and numbness, but at the same time avoid excessive emotions to overcome my brain.

The worst symptoms of my brain's dysfunktion are fundamentally two:

1) A mixture of panic and despair thet hits me at random points, making me run for cover at random points, and making me basically unable to relax and feel "well" or even slightly at ease unless i take time to actually do it as i'm doing work. Most of my days are a Russian Roulette round where at any given moment a blast of despair and fear could hit me. So when i actually have time for myslef, more often than not i have to keep myself constantly busy, to avoid that from happening. Or i simply give in to staying still ans staring at the void, unable to actually do anything. That causes a lot of misunderstanding, between the people who have to deal with. They seem to mistake my attitude as a lack of interest towards them or their company, where actually i would enjoy it but if i want to stay balanced i need to either be constantly working or simply keep to myself or be surrounded by people i dont really know.

2) A seemingly unstoppable anger that, if let loose, is quite dangerous, especially to myself. Details pile up. Everyday a bunch of big things will follow, one after the other. Lately, ive been struggling with money and a desperate need for a new job and facing the hard, cold truth of the total failure of my country. I've been facing the ignorance and argumentative stupidity of people on many arguments: the lack of intertest towards changing things used as a valid argument, the vast lack of empathy of people who seem to ignore anyone else's feelings or trouble to focus only on their own needs. An inevitable consequence of that piling up, i have days where i am litterally imploding and feel the need to attack, whether it's anyone or myslef. Everyone is an enemy in those days. EVERYONE.

In both cases, the natural reaction would be medicated numbing, comnplete indifference and slefishness (which i still think could be justified and will be eventually a place i go soon) or a total fast relapse into self destruction. The only reason that holds me out of a relapse into alcohol binging is that my body cant deal with it anymore, so getting drunk means a whole day of hangover pain that pushes the pain toa whole different level. And the only reason i'm not stuffing myself with sleeping pills (more than i already do) until i go in a comna, is that i still have things i have to do.

So, i wont say i'm a person who found peac e, i'm far from that. Each day is a struggle for balance. I wake up each morning with suicidal thoughts as my first waking image. I'm not complaining, its how this head works. I have hope cause i know i'm strong and i have met a few people whoa re giving me exactly what i need: not resolutions or attempts to change what i am forcefully but accepting and love. Where the majority of people seem to be focused on telling me WHAT I SHOULD DO TO FIX MYUSELF or worse FELLING SORRY FOR ME, these few people just give me warmth and a soul hug. That helps. So if you hyave someone clos to you who is having these problems, just give them a kiss.