The One Thing I Cannot Avoid

It saeems to be one of those things that will survive all wars, changes and evolutions in human nature. Disappointment is the major constant in humanity. Not love, not hate. As long as hope exists, as long as people have a soul, disappointment will hit them and sometime will break their heart.

There's something a discussion with a dear friend of mine brought to my mind: no matter how tough, thick skinned, jaded and with a strong view of reality's flow, everyone deeply within hopes for life to go as they want. It doesnt happen on a large scale, it's a bunch of tiny hopeful moments, of expectations for events to be great and beautiful, for people to act in some way, for days to bring something that will give you a boost or a chnge.

The heart lies to itself , because facing the truth is too painful for anyone. Disappointment hurts and a lot of heartbreak is disappointment taking a different shape. Some people seem to be immune, but in those cases they often are people who are used to have things their way or have a personality that in some way, adapts to what happens and makes things work. To speak in layman terms: a lot of person have hardened to a point that no matter what happens they will exploit the situation in their favour, not caring about the consequences. Or they fel entitled to hurt others cause their own pain is high enough that no one else's really matter. And then there's the others.

You will tell yourself wou will not make the same mistakes again and not put your heart into something. But then it slips out of your g4rip and things dont go as you secretly wanted them to. Even if you didnt really want anything special, even if all you wanted was to have something different to make the day less grey and less toneless than others. In the end, you're not special. You're replacebale. You're forgettable. And njo matter how you know you have no right to feel hurt, you feel hurt anyway.

And you have hopes for a million little moments in your future. You want that day to be good enough to be memorable. You know it wont and you tell yourself, it doesnt have to be a big deal. And in the end it goes away, slipping through the cracks an without barely making a sound. Doesnt leave a great memory, and the time has passed by with little to no conseuence.

You hope things will eventually change sometimes. You remember when you were a kid and you faced the hard times hoping for a moment, in your twenties or thirties, where you would maybe not be succesful or realized but you wouldve done something different. Then time disappears and youre there dying one day at a time, with more disppointments than actual dreams come true. And you keep folowing lights that will take you nowherte, link yourself to hopes that have no possibility to become true, people who have no place for you in their life for more than a momentary healing of their wounds, just a second before replacing you with someone fresher and more available.

Yeah, its all your fault. You know it and you would give everything to learnh how to face it without being shattered again and again. Cause even when its a small thing, it kinda hurts. But as long as you have a heart, it will feel that pain. And some days all you can do is write a blog entry.