venerdì 29 aprile 2011

That Crazy Little Thing Called Being a Mess.

I had this sudden realization that my current emotional state cannot be blamed on spring anymore. Ok, spring works at some length, it is after all the season in which i started hearing voices in my head (yeah i actually did, they were kinda cute), but i'm pretty sure i'm blaminbg nature of something that is already there. I notice many love to do that too, whether its the seaosn, their backgrounds, their astrological sign, the colour of their shoes. Seems like no one wants to face that, even if you're happy and adjusted, brains dont ever work correctly, it's not in their nature.

Thjere's lots of names that the pill-popper brigade aka psychiatrist, use to come up the various types of emotional instabilities and quirks that every person that hasnt beaten themselves into mental rigor mortis has. Some of them are actual diseases, when they reach a high level. Most of them are just personlity traits. I think that of all the people who classify themselves "asperger" or affected by "ADD" or "bi-po0larism" arent really such cases. Most of the time, they just have problems handling emotions, and get tricked by doctors into believing that pills can cure that. Which is quite unsettling. Dont read this wrongly: there IS such thing as mental illness, and iuts veryu easy to end there. All you need is the wrong friends and the wrong girl/boy at the wrong time and there you are. Brain messes up its balance and you're fucked. For a long, long time. And the pills mess you up worse, while making the symptoms a bit more bearable.

Still, in a lot of cases, some of those afflciting traits are just part of you, and the best thing is trying to live with them, or build a way around them. I'm not one of those awful people who go around on a high horse built with entitlement and spoiling parents and tell others to "grow up" and quit being "emo". I'm just saying that before going to therapy, and giving your head, which is the second most important organ yopu have after your genitals (not a joke), to a professional whose main purpose is enslaving you to a chemical, that in the best case will just make you numb and an addict, try to focus on the possibility of being stronger than you think you are.

I have lots of rage. That was big thing in the past for me. At times it turned into violent outbursts, making me not a good person. Alcohol made that worse, and that was one of the reason that convinced me to slow that down. I got into fights, attacked people. Not necessarily cause i was insane, just cause i was brought up into frustration and snark, always repressed stuff and one day that frustration started turning into anger. And i didnt fuck enough. As lame as it might sound, one has to have sex as much as they can. Frsustrated lust is dangerous. I'm not simply speaking about not getting laid at all. Even if you're having a regular sex life, do it more. Platonic feelings are cool, but theres nothing more psychologically cleansing than having a good fuck, especially if it's no strings attached, animalistic and satisfying.

Besides that, most of my anger bursts, really became pointless once i started to think that my ranting didnt affect anyone. Bein passionate is ok, but at some point, your fire stops burning and its just a dim light in the distance that people barely see. Being chill is the best feeling in the world, makes you feel... superior. And anyone can be superior.

Also, i always had, and still have a big issue with developing relationships. I think i can blame it on being burnt one time too many and then sitting on that. Only, where more thick skinned people, get over it and fall in love again., i became sort of crippled. In friendship too. Most of the time my "love" is just five minutes long and i act out the rest of it, so people like me. That worked for "friends" too. As long as i kept pretending to be in love or in the best friendship ever, things worked out. And i kinda fed my brain a bunch of tiny moments of delight, that were alternated to long lashes of numb. But in the end that just meant i wasnt really happy most of the time and unable to cope with those long streteches of boring grey, trying to always being on the five minute high and getting pissed or frustrated when i didnt. Blamin it on others and then runnin away, shutting myself off. But that did not make me feel better. And no pill could solve that, even if they try.

I found a few great people, recently, that i think i can really LOVE, in a constant way. That love me for what i am, and that give me a warm feeling even when theyre not there. My heart is working better. And i seem to be handling that. By myself.

And theres fear, defeat, self doubt, apathy. Its all part of the deal. It aint spring, and it aint a sickness. All is part of how weirdly one is shapen. And it can be handled. Needs patience and time, and people who trust you and care. I have thos epeople. I wont alwaqys be a good friend to them, i am an ass sometimes. But i will try. And they make me feel well adjusted. And they dont need a prescription. Might work.

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