martedì 12 aprile 2011

Stuff That Actually Sucks: Angry Birds

I'm sorry.

I know you love it and it's just a whimiscal and hilarious game you play on your commute and its so cute and addictive.

I know it fills the hours of your day and it looks pretty. I know. But it's shit.

Let me clear up: i love stupid games. There was a time where Solitary was as good as you got on a phone and even portable consoles today dont have the genius level of crack like joy that a great iphone game can give you. I love them, i really really do. And i likie colourful stupidity too, a lot.

But this one is utter shit.

See Peggle is pure genius. I can keep playing Peggle for hours and be hypnotized by its noisy joy. Replay levels a thousand times until i get the perfect score. I love Fruit Ninja casue its so relaxing in it's own frantic, slashy way. I love Cut The Rope, cause its simple, colourful and addictive and it makes me not bored and challenges me. Or Tiny WIngs. Mega Jump. Those are simple, not always easy games that have great ideas, are well done and even in their linear way, have showed people that the iphone can be entertaining. And made a lot of people less adhamed of being whimsical and enjoying themselves.

Yet this one is idiotic and boring.

First, it's badly done. It shouldnt be: it's throwing things at other things. Still, it manages to cheat some times. Stuff falls too easily or doesnt fall at all. And the physics that should hold the game just warp up and fail. I've seen people pass a level with no idea of how they did it and people fuck up the same level ten times in a row and not knowing why either. Something's wrong there. The whole birds thing. It shouldnt be supposed to be important and it really isnt, still it feels like whoever had this idea was trying to woo people in it by using the cheapest move in the world: cuteness.

It's ok to use cutesy stuff and colours: again, the best games do that. But this one has nothing under the coloured surface. It's colourful animals used to cover up a thing most people would not give a shit about if it had any other shape.

Proof is in the one million unsuccesful ripoffs of Angry Birds that are spreading all over the web like genital warts. The same idea isnt fun without the pretty animals. Why? Cause its not that fun. Pacman clones, Mario clones, Tetris clones, Bust a move clones alll kinda worked. Because playing them was fun, no matter what they looked like. This one isnt that amusing. All they did was draw cutesy birds and pigs.

Good marketin? Yes. Good idea? No.

As much as everyone is sticking this game in everyone's throat lately, by doing a million updates of it, the main reason behinf its popularity is because its cheap, simplified and tries to win over a part of the public that enjoys being treated like a retard. Whenever a girl, or a person that sually wouldnt paly anything cause they never found the right game, says they LOVE angry birds, its like hearing them say "i want the developers to spoon feed me shit and paint it pink causwe they think im a moron".

There's great stuff out there. Great ideas that will make you have tons of fun. Test your reflexes and enjoy the game. This thing is just a slow moving, lame mess that will make you angry anjd will just prove that you'll get the most stupid, simple crap, as long as it looks cute. You're not idiots. And you dont really enjoy it. Stop. This thing almost got an award. It would be like giving an award to Farmville. Meciority should not be rewarded. There's no pretentiousness in what i'm saying and its not "controversial" either. As Bill Hicks said: it's shit. Just admit it. You're allowed to say it, you're not a bad person if you do.

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