giovedì 21 aprile 2011

Muscians Dont Get Laid But At Least They Have An Excuse: The Amazing World Of Music Genres

It might be a chicken and the carnivorous mutant Sharktopus case, but as much as everyone loves to blame excessive and ridiculous categorization of music on the critics (although critics are all suckers of satan's cock, me included, and they deserves all the insults they get. yes, i do suck satan's cock. i hope he makes me famous but he never calls me back), i notice that bands do it even more.

Ive been receiving a babillaton emails from bands, trying to get their stuff reviewsd or press releases from labels, where they all seem to refuse in the most enraged way to call their music in a simplified way. Of course you'll find the fakely weathered douche that likes to say stuff in the lines of "Dudeeeee, we have no idea what all this bullshit is... We just play Rawk, y'know? Like, y'know, the stuff my daaaahd listened to and i grew up with. Jest Rawk.... Like, the greats.... Greeen Day. Red Hawt Chelle Peeperz....." (Cue to myself slitting veins in the bathroom, five minutes later)....

...Sorry. I mean, there's exceptions, but most muscians, will love to define their music ina different way, and make up new genres to impress people with their outstanding creativity and originality. (and then play Radiohead covers).

So, as usual, i wanna try to come up with new things and create ways for you all, sad little douches, to0 become famous and creatively important, so you can name mke in interviews and say i was major influence. That's how nice i am.

So let's create styles, cause it doesnt matter what you play, the main thing is what you tell others!

Doo Doo Da Da Core

It's "Core", so it's alternative. The band plays dressed as toddlers, they make lyrics that sound as infants warbling, and they dont really play instruyments. Their music is made of baby carols, modified through elctronic stuff. At shows they throw pacifiers around and do nappy time breaks. Critic friend must call them " the ultimate retro"


Basic songs made of one chord and linear drum beat. the lyrics are made with a collection of angry youtube comments, misspelled verses and choruses that end in "NO U". At shows they dont really come up, and a giant sign with the words "PWNED" appears, then the audience beat each other up. Critic friend must call them "Modern confrontational"


Hip-Hop base but no lyrics, only a series of porn bits, and description from porn website presentations. A good hit can be "Teenage Meatholes get gagged", with "This Aint Justin Biebr's Butt - The gay Parody" as a b-side. At shows, pronos are shown on the big screen, as people masturbate along with the lyrics. Critic Friend must call them "Provocatively sultry with bit of cheese".

Trv Cvtesy Metal

Take cute animals, babies and puppets but dress them as extreme metal people, with spikes and hairdos. Songs mix the epic guitar wankery with cheesy Ke$ha like pop melodies. a good song title could be "Me and satan like to eat lollipops". At shows they play seriosuly but the audience doesnt really mosh, but goes AWWWWWWWWW, in unison. Critic Friend must call them "Whimsically decontructional"

Oh, well i need coffee. Why do i have to do all the work. I hate you....

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