martedì 25 ottobre 2011
Turn This Damn Thing Off!
I have a problem, minions.
I am proud of my mind. It never disappointed me, even when it broke down to a million anrchist little pieces. It was still something that i was in love with. It was the main key for the greatness of my heart. My heart worked fine but it got the power of soaring from my brain. From its ability top be selfless, romantic, kinky, creative, out of control, capable of wild emotion and at the same time devastating self awareness. The lows were destructive but the highs were pure bliss.
But lately all i get from it is a jaded, disenchanted series of reflections on how i am not the way i used to be, or the things i havent done, or the memories that i miss. I hate memories. For many, the great times of the past are something great, to0 me they're a swamp that i get stuck in. I remember the beautiful, pure sweetness of things i lived and all i can think of is how i let those moments slip. How i wasnt able to enjoy them as much as i should have. And how now those moments are lacking, or simply how im so numbed by thinking about the future or what isnt there, that i am in a costant state of fear and disappointment.
And if this sounds too deep for you, think about it. When was the last time, you really went through a moment with your head turned off, and your heart just going at 300mph, without pausing even for a second to think "what should i do or what should i say".
People think. Always. They think while loving. They think while partying. Lately they think while having SEX! Which is so insane to me. I cant do that yet and i might in the future if i keep on this path. The only moment where all of your body should be completely gone inside a vortex of feelings and fun. And people drag their insecurities into it.
And yet its eems unavoidable. I obsess on details, lately. This fucking brain is always on. My job isnt satisfying me, my love life is empty and heartless, i left behind many good friends on a path of change that hasnt really changed anything. I have memories that haunt me, on good time spent with groups of people i used to love and now i cant go back cause my head has made me act like such an asshole (and it probably will again) that i burnt all bridges. And if there was a reason for that, i doubt it everytime.
My head tells me that im out of shape, lonely, overowrried. That i eat badly, smoke and take too many meds and i'm unhealthy in a horrible way.
I was listenbing to a song by a band i really dont like. But that song triggered a memory. I was a few years younger. I was trying to win back this girl's heart. So i took her on a trip around Italy, on my car. Us and a backpack. One night i brought her to an old beautiful castle, on the hills of Trentino. We drank a local wine, with a full moon, cuddled up on a wall, while this weird band played on. That memory breaks my heart. I dont recall the last tiem i felt that way.
But yet, probably, i was overhtinking thinks then too. Fuck.
Somebody hit me on the head...