Genrally, from the moment i wake up, to a random spot in the day, my brain has the tendency to emanate some weird sort of viebe that isd a mixture of negativity and cyncism. Some people perceive that as self-awareness and insightful honesty. I honestly think i'm just really erudite and bitter, with a slight tendency to self pity and a need for attention.
Today, while trying to sort out thoughts and decision, i had what could be called, if i was even more pretentious, which i could easily be, an epiphany.
I was listening to Dan Savage's podcast. If you're one of the few sad beings who are unaware of who Dan Savage is, dont feel guilty, i spent ages without knowing 99% of stuff, too. Its never too late to discover great things.
Dan Savage is a renowned columnist and writer, an openly gay man, who is smart, pleasant and thoughtful and gives sexual advice on his columsn and thgis podcast to whoever calls him with any sort of question. I dont automatically agree with everything he says, where a lot of his more devoted listeners do, but i like the humble, tactful and actually caring way he approaches topics, while never ceasing to be honest.
This morning, before dropping his weekly advice, Mr Savage stopped for a minute to discuss some news, that i usually would see anywhere and ignore or take in without really caring, not out of disapproval or lack of heart, mostly out of numbness. A young kid named Jamey Rodemeyer, commited suicide recently.
The kid had been part of the "It Gets Better" project, started by Savage himself. The project helps through a series of videos and activities, the reaching out towards homosexual teenager who are experiencing the trauma of coming out and homophobia, trying to make them feel less alone and reassuring that their life CAN actually improve. He posted a video, trying top be positive and looking for help. Yet, eventually, the homophobic mangler got the best of him and crushed him into despair.
Usually, my extremely embittered nature, whom is apartially a result of depression and partially a shield against disappointment, would make me say "no, it doesnt get better". And a part of me thinks that. But i had to think about how mosntruous it must be to live in a situation like that.
I live ina homophobic country, highly homophobic. Whether it has to do with religion or machismo, i aint sure. Fact is, that, yes, there are guys who are ouyt of the cloiset and live a decent life in Italy but they're also way less than in other countries and mostly focused in open minded cities. And even they had a rough time. Homophobic based murders arent an insanity here. The law almost complketely ignores the notion of "hate crime" and not only i know violently homophobic people, i grew up with a few of them.
I am mostly straight, i discovered myself as bisexual in the later years of my life. At the moment i feel like i could honestly go both ways. But my family doesnt know that and they never will. They are not openly homophobic, and they hide often behind the mask of indifferent, catholic, tolerance but i'm pretty sure that if i ever were gay and decided to come out, they would not have accepted it.
My father had issues with my mother in the past, where as a last attempt at poking at hi ego, she started alludsing that he was a homosexual and (in classic catholic fashion) consequently a pedohpile. She accused him, amany times, during drunbken binges, to have lost his job for making advances on his bosses. Or having molested me sexually when i was a kid (sometime asking me drunkenly if it happened and attacking me when i denied). At some point, she even worded that concept as "of course he is a pussy and a faggot, you turned him into one".
Those kind of venomous, alcohol fueled things were pretty much the norm in my house. There was a lot of "homosexuality is a sickness", "gay people are pitiful and disgusting".
I honestly have goosebumps thinking of the eventuality of being a gay son in such a situation. And i am emotionally removed from them. even if i decided to be gay, i am sure i would NEVER tell them. I got to that point at 33 years old.
And i wont get into the hatred, the violence and the bashing i can see daily in the streets. Being a gay teenager can be something nightmarish.
It does get better and one can run far far away. Far from the people who want tpo make sexual re-education mandatory, far from the singer who become radio sensations with homophobic hits, far from the work places that fire people for inappropriate tendencies". Up to that, though one needs all the help in the world.
So, if you have a minute, help: http://www.itgetsbetter.org/