Stuck

At this point in my life, i'm used with dealing with my own mood swings. One day can go high or low, generally and i can usually start it in a bad mood, only to spiral down into total sadness or anger. Usually it takes a person or a simple bad moment to push me down.

It irritates me how weak i can get at some spot, how in a good moment, when all my brain gears are in their place, i pay no mind to anny negativity but it only takes one asshole with a hurtful purpose to create a chain reaction worthy of a Rube Goldberg machine that basically nails me into the ground.

And what's even worse, for me but i think for many others too, is when i find myself (which is happening with an increasing frequency) at an emotional stop. I'll clarify, so any of you can eventually sympathize: when the down wave hits, you feel like crying or drowning in despair, and that sort of gives you strength, when the stop comes you just think nothing really affects you. It's like finding yourself in a pool of tar, you're not hurt because you expected things to go bad, you dont feel anything but annoyance or a strong contempt towards everyone and everything.

You might have people who are seriously on your side and care about you but you shuth them off, because at that point to you love is hypocritical, good feelings are temporary and anyone who is nice or gentle is just lying. It's not like thinking that everyone hates you, being a victim makes you stroneger somehow, its more like a complete unflinching feeling that no one really cares about anyone, good things only come when people are in need, love and affection are ways to get good things and use people.

When you're in that spot, everything you like suddenly looses its appeal. You still do things because you're moving like a robot, going by habit and autopilot, but you really dont care. The head is empty, the heart is still. You got no happiness, no sadness, nothing at all. It's a giant freeze frame of the emotional spectre. Bad fellings are equal to the good ones, in the aspect that they're meaningless. People have no role or meaning. Nothing moves you. You're still.

As Dan Savage mentioned on his brash but smart Lovecast, some people are bound to be alone. Still even if they are at that point, they can still live full and joyous lives, as long as they dont get bitter, cause bitterness repulses people. And i agree, only i thinkj of bitterness in a different way than most. Bitterness is suaually crankiness and complaining, hateful sourness towards the world, knowing that no matter what you do, everything will suck anyway. And that is repulsive. Then there's the ewven more repulsive level of a person who is comnpletely frozen emotionally, so clammed up and unaffacted, shut down and refusign to react or open up, that they eventually become invisible to other people's eyes.

A person that is silent, and detached is worse than an abusers, cause it occupies a space withotu serving any purpose.

So i wonder what the soultion to get out of that is. Some of thta came with meds. The emotional leveling caused that too. And it had to be self imposed in order to avoid hurting constantly. But at times, id rather be slitting my own wrists rather than not feeling my wrists at all.

Hmmm.