giovedì 29 settembre 2011

Goodbye Old Friend (Why I Drank And Why I Had To Seriously Quit)

DISCLAIMER: This post wont be about the dangers of alcohol or addiction. While i know very well that being a hardcore drinker is a nasty thing to deal with, i also refuse to give health advice of any kind to people. Drinking is fun, doing drugs is fun, even smoking has its positive sides (if only social). Self destruction is fun, on any level or else no one would do it. I am saying this without irony. If i had a way to keep up my addicitons as i used to without having the drawbacks, i would do it with no hesistations. So, no, i'm not preaching or judging, thats just not how i am. I only judge myself.

There's a small unviersal truth, that unites idiots and smart people, credos, religons, sexual orientations and races: life is a chore. And i dont mean that in the self pitying, whiny way. It's just that living aint easy, for anyone. To different degrees, every day is a chore. Its either a fight with other human beings, which for the most part are their own natural enemies, or with the simple grind that is fighting constantly to simply survive without feeling like shit. You dont need to be depressed to feel that, its a natural thing. Plus, and that works evenb mopre for anyone, life,, for the most part, is dull and boring. Life is a series of great moments glued together by long ass times of waiting and grinding your teeth. Its a movie where nothing really great happens for most of the times, besides some really cool scenes that are worth the ticket: But getting to those scenes can be pretty shitty.

So, no matter who you are, you need a cure. Some people have drugs. Those help, but they also have a vicious way to get back at you, by muyltipilying the shit by a thousand times and forcing you to only worship them. Other people have people. Nothing wrong with that, but when you turn your love or affectoion for someone into codependency, you're just like a junkie. And if or when thos epeople diappear, youll suffer as much as an addict in withdrawal.

Other people have passions. Nothing wrong with that at all. Still, you're not always born with the ability to feel. And passions can be frustrating too. Then there's relgion. Which is frankly fucking stupid.

And almost everyone has booze.

It helped me. I have been constantly bored or simply sickened by the complete pointlessness of a lot of my efforts in life for years. So pretty much, the moment in which i could let loose with a serious drunken night was something to look for. Yeah, my mother is an alcoholic but i totlaly see why she does that. It helps you let loose, whether its for good or for worse. It gives you a potent excuse for unleashing the bad stuff or the embarassing one. You can tell people to fuck off when they deserve. I know a bunch of weirdos love to say that "they are just the same when they drink cause they are REAL". Which is bullshit. People dont get transformed by alcohol, it loosens inhibitions. All you do is act like your brain would secretly love to do normally, only you dont give a fuck about conseuqences. And afterwards, most people forgive you, and generally the ones who dont and use terms like "enabling" are even more toxiuc than booze itself. And a big reason for desperate drinking.

Also booze is good. I like beer. It's tasty and awesome. Being drunk is fun. Beiung anything but lucid is fun. This world isnt mean to be faced lucid.

Still, i had to quit. To quit on my own will, not because the law forced me to (that happened and did not last. thats why i find the idea of AA a bit silly. if you're an addict inside, theres no legal way, speech or club that will solve it).

First, my body is feeling it. I realize that my body used to be better once and that now i aged more than a lot of people who are in their early thrties. I took it out on myself and seemed to keep looking amazing but it paid out in the end. I have abad heart, bad blood numbers, i'm fucked up, also cause of the meds, but i realize i am probably gonna have a horter life than most. Its ok, but i wanna try to fix it as much as possible.

Also, i cant stand the aftermath anymore. I dont care if thats a sign of being a pussy. I just cant stand beign sick and wanting to die for a whole day. I already do not get shit done as a nrom, so i dont eneed to be mopre crippled because i wanted to feel less bored the night before.

Third, theres' an aura of embarassing despair around hardcore drinkers that are past their prime. I aint talkign about people who drink at a party, thats ok. I mean the ones who talk about how theyre gonna get shitfaced soon during the week already. The ones that need a drink during the day. I see why they do it, but man when the veil is lifted, they look fucking sad. I had friends that have gone that way and cant hold a conversation without being drunk. Who are clearly twitchy and depressed when they're sober. Ive been there and ive had enough.

I've had enough of feeling shitty. of not remembering what happened the last night. Of getting compassionate looks from people. of being labeled as a drunken animal. Of being told "try to behave tonight". Of throwing up. Of drinking anything just to drink it.

Ive gotten to a point where i know that if i did iot in a small measure i could possibly relapse hard anbd i have to deal with that first. I have to understand if i can be normal and drink sensibly or i have to be sober or feel shitty for the rest of my life. And i need to clean up from other things too. That will need a change of my own very personality, but i hope it can be done.

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