Heart Of Stone

Recently, i came to a realization. I've become selfish. Really selfish. And i might be over having good feelings for others besides a slight affection. That is all i can give.

It's not because of depression or heartbreak. people tend to read statemnts like the one i just made as some sort of cry for help, or plea for attention, that silently means "please tell me something nice or gentle, i need to be reassured that i'm a good person". I dont like generic sympathy. Anyone who really knows me is also aware that reching out when i'm in serious trouble, is unproductive. If we're connected, ill come and look for your support, and i'll let you know how much i appreciate it.

I'm saying this, because i have realized that i like friendships, but i've gotten selective about them. I have hundreds of acquaintanc es, many of them think they're my best friends, and i've grown increasingly sick of it. It's not a sickness towards the sincere meaning of it, it's just that i cant force myslef into caring about most of them. I dont care for their troubles, i find their lives boring and uninteresting, and i dont have the time or the strength to fake sympathy as i used to. So i just stopped doing that, showing up to their gatherings, calling them or trying to force myself into being present in their lives. I dont really give a fuck. I care for very few people at the moment, they havent disappointed me yet. Might happen, might not. If it will, i wont suffer too much. I got over tearing up for people.

And that brings me to my other point. I dont feel capable of loving someone at this moment and i dont feel bad about this. I will probably work out some peacefeul caring coexistence with someoene sooner or later, but i dont have love in me, anymore. I have this feeling that most people feel love once in their life, than the spell breaks down and they realize that after that one time, all the others are basically large disappointments. And its natural too. There is no sincerity in people who give. Givers do it because they want something in return, whether it's material or just emotional. A tiny, almost invisible number will give to you uncodnitionally. And in that case YOU will be their leech. You will be the one that will suck out what they have to give until you find something better.

And as soon as the game is over, everyone will move on. People accept this as, to quote The Wire, "part of the game". Which it is, but right now, i just dont feel like pretending that i need anyone or have the strength to give to anyone. I realized that i get disappointed and disgusted quickly and i want out. It's not a sad feeling, its self -awareness. I cant think of a relationship ive been in the last years where, in the end, things didnt turn into some sort of codependent abuse. And where after the inevitable breakup (because, lets face it, breakups ARE inevitable) , there wasnt just a sea of resntment, maybe hidden behind fake courtesy or fucked up attempts at being "mature", by not burning bridges.

To me, all bridges need to be burnt. When it's time, it's time. No one deserves saving, when things are done. At this moment, if i try to think back to the past, and to the ones i left behind, i have a small moment of ache, followed by a egneral disgust towards myself for allowing myself to be dragged into humiliation, stupidity and wasted time.

I know it will happen again. Bu, like a drug, before i relapse, i wanna try to quit. I will fail, but at least i tried.