lunedì 12 settembre 2011

Kill The Bat

The other night, while i was reflecting on some issues in my life, real ones that need to be eventually solved, a bat entered my bedroom.

The tiny, agitated thing flew from the window and started doing circles around the main light. I have no issues with the flying rodents. I think they're creepy but cute, somehow. And they're fundamentally inoffensive and a bit unfortunate. I mean, this poor little fella, blind, confused, small, with only his sonar to save him, found himself trapped in a place overfilled with stuff that fucked up his direction. Under an overheating light and with a nervous overthinking human inside.

It was late, i was stressed and i was tired. I really didnt want to deal with that, but what could i do. I grabbed a broom and started, unsuccessfully to push him out of the window, Still, bats are made to keep their own circle-shaped trajectories, no matter what, so my half-arsed swings really had no effect whatsoever on his stubborn tiny head and he kept circling. Resilient.

So i grabbed a towel, following the advice on my now dead cunt grandmother (should've known better), and started lashing towards him, hoping to stun him, land him and then push him outside. The bat decided to hide under the glass dome of my light. And got trapped in there.

When i was younger i remembered my father, and my mother, loving to trap pests, insects or rodent, and then just leave them there to die. They did not kill them. They left them to agonize and die and dispose of them afterwards. I dont know if that was laziness or cruelty. I know i cannot do that. The idea of an agonizing bat trapped in my house gave me the goosebumps. So i tried to get him out of there. Wasnt easy. The little fuckhead kept flapping his wings wildly and trying to get away. I dont know why, but i started thinking of rabies. Silly, since that hardly happens, besides Stephen King's "Cujo".

In the end, while trying to pull him out, i crushed his little neck. And had to flush him out of the toilet. Feeling like a horrible human being. Unable to forgive myself for killing some little harmless thing only because i was too much of a spaz to solve the thing in a better way.

With those thoughts in mind, the next day, i met my father about his new series of exams, regarding the eventual possiblities of his tumor returning. The man, as usual, was obnoxious and cranky. Plus, an argument regarding my mother came up. See, my father and my mother are bearely a couple. They never actually divorced but havent really been together in ages. They have no love, just a lot of co-dependency and finacial problem. My mother, also, has been dealing with weird health issues lately, possibly due to her alcoholism. She breathes badly, her body is breaking down and her heart is giving up. And she is the type of person who refuses any form of treatment and wont do it ESPECIALLY because someone is trying to convince her.

Since my father is unable to deal with things like that with anything besides cursing, ranting and whining, he started blaming me for not doing anything, then went on an endless tirade on how he will not do any exam or get checked, in order to spite my mother, "So we will both fucking die".

In most occasions, discussion like that have little to no conseuqence. He enjoys spewing rage at me, since i am the only person who is somehow morally obligated to listen to him (at least in my own moral order, since in my own set of rules, i owe him this since he brought me up). My mother might die, one day, and i know i wont be able to do anything cause she'd rather pay a lawyer to be free to die of a heart attack rather than actually give in to others and take care of herself. And that used to hurt. But i get over it usually.

At this point, you're probably thinking how part A connects with part B. Thats my point: somehow killing the bat was an unpleasant option, but the bat got stuck in a spot where i couldnt do anything else. And even if i could, tahts how it went down, feeling bad about it wont change a thing,

That goes the same way with my family and maybe it will go the same way with other situations in the future. They acted following their own nature, so did i. Things happened and now some situations are going nowhere quick. I can fight in order to get better results, i can live suffering because those fights fail or regrettinbg that i wasnt able to do more or act better. Or i can just kill the bat and flush the toilet.

I need to survive.

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