domenica 10 luglio 2011
Whenever I Wake Up....
Last night i was feeling something inside of me wasnt in the right place. I wasnt in pain or depressed but it felt like a seed was getting planted. My whole body was aching and dripping with a weird negative vibe. It was one of those moments when staring at the world around m, gave me back a denaturated feeling, like everything i watchede filtered through a greasy lens and lost colour and edges. It was like feeling slightly ill and nauseous about everything. Knowing how things work, usually, that would probably mean my brain was warning me that it would've been soon time for a "downer", which is, chemically speaking, when my brain stops producing what it needs to feel "right" and just becomes dead, grey and inert.
Still, who knows. I just went out and treid to get distracted. It worked to a point, i amanaged to resist the strong urge i fell on those times, which is to drink myself into an alcoholic oblivion. I knew that if the bad thing was about to happen, the symptoms of a hangover would've made it suicide worthy (and i'm not using the word lightly).
The night ended quickly and uneventfully as it often does in thopse cases, Those nights havent been really "fun" or "memorable" in years. I guess it's my fault: i am so focused on surviving and getting to the n ext step that i forget to enjoy myself. And i keep thinking, when really i should just let my brain die.
Later, i took one pill too many, as usual, and i slipped into LaLa Land.
And i dreamed. And for once the dream was vivid and strong and full of colour. Real.
I was in love in that dream. I felt it. I can barely remember hoe it feels during my actual life, i havent allowed my heart to love completely in a long time. But in that dream it was strong and powerful. This girl was my life and even looking in her eyes made me feel like meltin'. We were giving each other dreams, thoughts, and ways to express our love through each others' eyes and lips. We could feel the warmth of each others skin speak better than anything we could ever say in words. She was my life. And i was hers.
I was sent to war in this dream. I knew i would die, cause it was inevitable. And yet i went to my own death knowing i would do anything to survive just to give this girl the hope to see me again. Thinking in the midst of pain and hate and fear about how her body felt under my touch so i could become stronger and face anything.
Then i woke up.
The house and the bed are empty.
It's hot. My cellphone has texts from someone i met the other night. I dont really know who they are and i dont care. They dont love me, i dont love them.
Nobody in the world really acknowledcges my existence. I feel nauseous and my head hurts. I could not move from the bed and slip into a coma. Go back to dreams and forget i am getting close to being broke. that i am lonely cause i make myslef so, cause i am not able to be in any other way anymore. Cause the only way i can make my heart beat is in dreams.
What if i just did that? Would anyone notice?
I made Pesto for lunch. Its still there, i didnt eat it.