There's so many bad things inside of my body and my head at this moment, it's like being possessed by all sort of demons.
After years of self abuse, and being still addicted to some meds, my stomach was the first thing to go. It hurts almost constantly, twitching and spasming, too mistreated to get over the side effects of anything, from a cup of cofee, to nerves.
And my head is so messed up, usually at its worst in the morning, its really hard not to deisre stuff i shouldnt desire, a lot of the time.
Yet, one of the thing that is poisoning me the most, is silence.
I've got my large side of insults and screaming in life, i still get a lot of that. My mother is an alcoholic, my father is a venomous man. I had abusive relationships. Bad friendships. I got a lot of horrible stuff said to me and i said my share of stuff. I have an anger problem which turns me into a demon sometimes, wanting to hurt the other person with the worst words i can find, sometimes without even an actual reason. But what hurts me in a way that i cant even describe, is silence.
I know that sometimes, things are better left unsaid. I know that people need time and space to recollect their thoughts. I know that soemtimes one just doesnt want to speak or feels like it isnt the right time to do so. Or simply, sometimes theres nothing to say.
Yet be aware that few things destroy another person as much as silence. In relationships, in friendships, even during troubled times. It seems like something recurring in most people of a certain type (not sure what type iot is), to shut down and leave things unsaid for the highest number of reasons. And, again, it's understandable, most of the time.
But still, remember this: everyt time you leave a message, a text, a question unanswered and put a wall between you and a person, you kill them in a very painful, slow, torturous way.
You think you might be doing good, or you just dont care. You might be doing it on purpose or justr did not think abvput what you were doing. It happens, sometimes one just lets things run away, since its a bad time. But what you do not say, is made up into their heads.
When you want to put distance between you and a person, just tell them to fuck off. It's nasty but it's less cruel. Silence is monstruous on a whole different level. Is a poison that trickles in a person 's soul and slowly corrodes them, hurting with every drop. I die every second bie a thousand cuts to my heart when that happens. It doesnt create closure, it doesnt make things better. I dont care if you're more comfortable with that way, if you ever cared for someone, do not do this to them.
And if you're ill, or in a troubled time SOEAK to the ones that love you. Do not shut off. I know you might just not wanna think of that at the moment or just dont care. It's understandable. But whatever youre going through, it wont be better if youre alone. Just say a few words. People who love you wont be annoyed. Even a short sentence will be enough. They need to hear that so they can be there for you. Sounds weirdly selfish but its all thjat holds things together sometimes.
Leaving things unsaid is cruel and cowardly. Doing it is the worst way to destroy a person. It's more mean than any mean word and drives people insane. Trust me.