In about five days, i will become thirty three. It's a weird moment to enter my (as my friend ViVi called it) "Jesus Year". I dont consider it as a particularly spoecial birthday, but my head is feeling the changes around me strongly, these days.
I have goals, some of which i attained, most i didnt. When i was twelve, i thought i'd be married with children at this age, witha strange career. I thought i would've been an "adult". I am and adult, ive been one for a while, but i am not married, i dont have kids and i'm not really succesful. Does that mean i'm a failure? I keep thinking that some things can still be done in the future, i can still have kids one day and lòife still gives me daily surprises. A lot of times i feel stuck ina rut, not going anywhere.
A few days ago, a person close to me learned about some serious health issues that will have to be dealt with. Our relationship had gone very sour before this and what happened set a weird light on things.
He has children, little ones, and a wife, that will have to face the possibility of eventually loosing him, if things go bad. He has a whole series of projects on his shoulders, he invested himselves in aqlmost tot the point of erasing himself. Suddenly he realized some issues had to be checked and he discovered that he should've done it earlier. Now his body might fail him and his world might pop.
I used to share evrything with him and i let that go. Now i cannot recover what i lost and i cant even think clearly about what i could say to a person i used to love, before my own black soul got in the way, who now is facing the possibility of pain and leaving a family behind. I dont know how to "be there".
I always thought i could deal with things like illness, since my father fell ill three times and i dealt with it, maturely. I always thought "Being there" and "having balls" was the key. But sometimes things escape that notion. What do you do when the situation is so evil, that your "being there" is almost pointless. What do you do when what's happening might be so bleak that everything you might do would be pointless. Do you just accept it?
I just know that ive been letting thigs happen for a long time, thinking that was the right way to do, now i'm gonna be thirty three in a few days and a person i called brother might not be there next year. And a lot of things are also changing. Babies are born. People are dying. And i'm here, not really going anywhere cause i have been waiting too long.
If i diappeared, would anyone really notice? Do i have any point in this whole thing? Or have i burned too many bridges to defend myself so now if i die, i die alone?
Weird Monday Thoughts. Ah well.