Its inevitable. I go for days and days feeling pretty great or at least feeling able to handle things, even the ordinary ones. Taking small, tiny steps wrapped in that maniacal routine and rules that i built for myself to feel safer. Doing the same things everyday, following a pattern so that this thing i have in my head doesnt start screaming too loud. And it works. It really does. then my beautiful friends show up, with their heart the size of oceans and make me feel loved. That and a couple of pills, that id like so much to live without, but im addicted to. And it happens that maybe, some day i decided to convince myself that i'm normal, cause i want to change things and live like an average person. Without the slavery of meds. So i dont get them.
And it's there waiting for that: I cannot blame the meds, all they do is keep it dormant, so it doesnt take over at the first sign of weakness. But chemistry also has a dark side. When im full of them, i cant have ideas, i cant really feel things or if i do, its out of focus, and out of colours. Then i try to have a break, and it almost seems to work. I have ideas, i feel strongly, i am myself.
But it hits and its like a wave.
It starts poisoning my thoughts as a viscous virus. It starts with trust, takes it away. It says it clearly in my head: "They dont really mean it. they say they care. They say they will be there for you, but thats just what people say to other people to be nice. But when things get really bad, you'll be alone. With me."
And i see it everywhere. The words loose meanings, even the strongest ones. The things loose meaning. Even the memories. I dont beleive in love anymore, cause everything feels like it will go away on a whim, as soon as the others, evertyone, will cease needing m,e. And as soon, as they realize how flaw and weak i really am. I tricked them all into thinking that i'm a good person and that i am strong, smart and big hearted. But they will be disappointed cause i always disappoint everyone. And they will leave. For someone stronger, or better, or just cause they changed their mind. Because in the end no one stays. I might be the one that hurts them, but they will go away. Everyone goes away. Maybe i will.
And i hate myself for needing love from others. Cause at this moment my head sees it as weakness. Loving is admitting you have failed. Failed at surviving on your own. Failed at being numb, which is all you want at the moment.
Cause its nto evenhate that its eating you up. Its something different. You watch what you've done, your accomplishments, your ideas, your passions and all you see is a bunch of senseless scrabbles and noises to move in front of your eyes too quickly.
And its like your stomach, heart and head are full of this constant loud noise and this horrible fear of everything. This panic that makes you unable to focus or to even do anything. So your ush through your day, hoping that soon everything will end. You cant distract, your head screams too loudly. All you want is to fall asleep.
And when you sleep nightmares are there. So all you really want is to die. Seriously. Not dramatically. Not as a scream for help. Just to die, peacefully and quit cause you cannot do this anymore. And you cant fool yoursefl thinking that things will be better cause they wont. And if they do, this will come back. Always.
Sorry. I needed to get it off my chest.