martedì 8 novembre 2011

I Need A Cave

I admit it, ive been waking for a good numbers of day, wanting to have a cave, isolated from the world, no electrictiy or anything, to go and disappear from the world.

It is no mistery to this point how i do not like people who think that their own emotional troubles are something unique to ramble on about. I like sensitivity, but i think emotions and pain shpould be either a real thing you discuss about to create awareness or something private you share only with people you trust and care about.

Also, it goes on a deeper level for me. I have been brought up by two people that arent sympathetic at all towards exposing inner pain. They did it a lot inside the walls of our house but one of the rules i had while growing was : "never talk to others about your troubles, big or small", "always keep everything to yourself". It wasnt the classic aspect of not wanting to burden others with your own troubles, it was brought at a higher and harsher level. They stuck in my head that "no one wants to hear your problems. no one cares and ever will and if you do it, they will cast you out"

So i grew up as a man, thinking that all i had goin on inside should not be spoken of. And whenever i opened up, and eventually for any reasons the people i opened up to, disappeared from my life, i blamed it on myself. For burdening them with my troubles.

In high school we had a religion teacher. The lady was supposed to teach us about christianity. Anyway, she wanted to tell us deeper stuff. She wasnt the best teacher in the world, angry and unfocused, but some of the things she uttered stuck with me. One of those was "the problem for us all is that we need others and to deal with them".

Its true. Most of my aches, fear and anxiety comes with the fact that i have to deal with other people. Their expectations, the fact that they might hurt me. I am, at times, scared of loving them, even scared of being surrounded by them. I want to be a hermit, shut off and dont deal with anyone.

That way, there would be no disapppointments or my issues burdening them. I wouldnt be hurt and i wouldnt hurt anyone. And with time that aspect grew inside of me and stuck roots. I am still afraid of meeting people, i hate to leave my defensive shell, i am more in control in my own world. There i can deal with my own beast better.

But theres a few precious people outside of the cave. They understand me. They are worth it.

Might take me a while to go back to normal, but i will do it for them. So if youre out there and you feel the same, maybe there is hope. We are not alone.

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