I am not the type of person who craps on the holidays. I usually love christmas. Used to be and still is, kinda, my favourite holiday.
Still, in the latest times of my life, a lot of things chancged and kinda ruined some of it for me.
I like the spect of presents, decorations, cards, lights, carols and dinners. Love it. I even loved to do christmas shopping for years.
No holiday like this enhances, for me, solitude or the hypocrisy of a lot of relationships. Or how some are broken. Before youy call me a grinch, think about it.
You might be surrounded by love, and ive been like that too, and in those times Christmas was beautiful. Cause love makes anything special. It might sound corny but its so true.
But Christmas also brings hurt when things are flawed and dysfunctional. Bad relationships become even more painful on Christmas. The presents are a chore, the company of the other person is torturous cause the oversized cheer that surrounds you makes you feel like you have to be cheering but only makes you feel more empoty inside. So you do a christmas dinner with friends, you drink and its supposed to be fun but you really drink to numb that hole. And then you abd your loved ones use the alcohol as an excuse to flirt with others. Hey, we were drunk, it doesnt count. But it does, cause there is pain behind it. And its the holidays and you have to drown it down, cause you dont wanna ruin christmas.
And families reunite. But theres no reunion that erases the memories of decoration ripped through fights. Drunken christmas nights with beatings and vomit. Hate instead of love for years and years. And that accuse of ruining the holidays, always coming back.
And getting presents for friends, like i used to love. Which starts as a joy cause theres nothing that makes me feel more fulfilled as giving something to someone i love and seiing their happiness. No matter how it fucks up my account which always gets thinner and thinner during holidays, to the point of crysis. But its worth it. Until something breaks and you realize that for them its more of an embarassment cause they dont really want to give back, they dont care and they just do it like theyre doing chores. And you open a present they give you and its something that has no heart but you have to smile anyway cause you dont wanna be an asshole. Its the thought that counts.
And the worst. New years eve. The giant day where everyone feels the need to have the fun that they havent had for the rest of the year. Soi wherever you go theres chaos, noiuse and loudness. And you have to be part of it. Wait for miodnight. get mugged. Get drunk. Fight a lot.
I have nightmares abouyt past New Years Eves. But i have to do it. Cause if you dont, youre a buzzkill. Youre not like the others. Youre a hermit.
All i want is to share the moment with people i really love. And besides that, i am tired of all the rest. I love the percent of it that resides in the heart. I love who i love. Outside of that, fuck the holidays.