The sky outside is grey, humid and cloudy. My brain is dumpoed into that grey. I dont know why, ive just been thinking a lot lately.
Most of the time, i realize i might never have a kid. Right now i cant afford to raise one. I dont make enough money. I havent met anyone i love nough to actually have a child with them. And the times i actually felt close to that, it didnt last. Everything is precarious, maybe in all of life, maybe only in mine.
And yet i realized one thing: Maybe, just maybe, having a child is the only thing you can do that really means something.
I have had a life full of hopes, projects, relationships. I dreamed and the dreams sometimes went somewhere and left a pile of printed paper that now occupies a couple of shelves in my hometown. I tried to put myself out there. And that is cool. But does that have any meaning on the long distance? I'm not sure. Not really, i guess.
I made lovers, and friends, and no matter how beautiful and eternal the moments we had together were, they ended up crumbling and floating away in the wind. Some of those, i barely recall. I remember being in love many times, my heart breaking and aching, and then time walked all over it and made me numb. I lost friends i thought i would have forever. And i didnt loose them in a dramatic way. Simply we drifted. Or i drifted. I seem to be unable toi stick in one place. I fade away.
I am living my days, waking up and doing things that i once loved, now to fill time until i'll go to sleep. A few special people fill my heart but im scared, cause i saw it happen, of the momenbt where things will inevitably fade and i will be alone again. Maybe cause i ran away. Who knows.
Cause in the end, you might have found the love of your life, and be happy for your friends, but if youre not careful, you always end up alone. Unless you have a child.
I always thought having a child was such a responsibility. Much higher than anyone thinks. You dont have only to raise them, you have to make their life not miserable. Its almost impossible to do that. But if you pull it off, its the only moment you catch a chance at having something of value that will still be there and remember you when youre gone.
I have the feeling i have ran out of time though, and im wondering how much will be there fo me, when im gone. I might go to a dinner soon, with friends. There will be jokes, and a lot of stuff said. And yet after that we will all go on with our lives and forget about each other. Rinse, Repeat. Metaphors are everywhere when you know where to look.