A Virus With Shoes

I realize daily, at the ripe age of thirty tree, that the ultimate state of preservation for a man, and the one that is harder to obtain is complete self sufficiency. And i'm not talking about the economic or social aspect. Well, its not all of it.

The most imperfect aspect of man as a crature is its inherent dependency on interaction and other member of its species for survival. But also how its own unique nature makes that interaction one of the grimmest sources of pain and trouble in his existence.

Take any person. Take yourself. Think of all the problems you're facing. Think of the main ones. Somehow they are all related to interaction with others or issues that are related to that. And the ones that arent related to that, like illness, are made worse by the interaction with other humans.

If your body is in pain what enhances the suffering? Dealing with the ones who do not understand you, the ones who cover you with fake pity, ignorance, cruelty, indifference, excessive care.

And sometimes, caring for someone who is ill, brings also a rain of hurt even in your interaction with them. Seeing them go is painful. Not being able to fix them is painful. And sometimes, loving them is painful. Trying to tell them you're there and realizing it doesnt matter is painful. No one can make you feel worthless like someon you love.

And addiction. It's a spiral. There's a reason for additcion being basically a constant presence in the life of everyone. Most of the time addicts are trying to fix damages made by others to their souls. Or to ease the pain caused by facing other people daily. They dont have to be cruel: some times the mere existence of some people hurts others. Simply because some times, people arent mean to exist together without intentionally or unintentionally hurt each other with words, or phrases.

A man fights unemployement and money problems. The frustration of facing disappointments daily, makes him self absorbed and egotistical. He shies away from friends and becomes obsessed by his one track minded quest for a better life. So he isolates himself. H iuis hurt by everything. Everything reminds him of his failure. His friends tell him, maybe jokingly, maybe not, how that attitude made him miss chances. And that hurts him more and makes him shut down. He numbs the pain with booze and drugs, cause that is easier. And the side effects make him loose grasp even more.

A person that wants to fix the wounds that life inflicts wit the help of something external isnt always the bad guy. you have no idea what pain he is getting through. But theres also a degree of villainous elfishness there that makes him only focused on his own momentary numbness and his need to feel better, if only for a minute. And he doesnt care how seeing him do that hurts the ones who love him. They should understand. And to a point they do. But It hurts, cause it feels like nothing they can say or do will help and they will only be able to watch while it happens.

So maybe one day they have scars of their own to numb.

And the cycle goes on.

For all the good it brings, love is also a disease that hurts and is spread frpom one person to another through tiny little moments that slowly but surely break people.

Than you either dry up and live without ever caring for anyone, hurting people so you dont get hurt. And one day you wake up and suddenly you realize that it is not only easier to stop feeling, but you kinda feel better, almost good, in living only for yourself. But its hard to cease being human.

So the other way is quitting. They say its the cowards way out. And it does destroy everyone else around you. Cause everyone you leave behind will have to bear that burden forever. So the cycle goes on.

I wish there was a way out. Some days i see it. Some i dont. Today i dont.

Music For Your Pockets: My Own Holiday

This post is a test for a section of the blog i wanna try. It might be discontinued anytime, or last, not sure what to do of it yet. Still, i wanna give it a try. here, in the midst of my usual ramblings, ill post and share with y'all an album i just discovered or particularly enjoyed. If you know me, you also know that music is as important as oxygen to me. And that i love to share it with others. So if you read this, you might love my suggestions, or feel like dropping yours in the comments or write me to promote your music. Everything is evolving but music stays awesome.

This band is a delight: warm, gritty, southern tinged blues rock, with great guitars and soulful vocals. This record is perfect as a soundtrack for this depressive monday, or for any day of the week when you need to create a heartful, magical moood, while still rockin your ass out.

Reccomended if you like Aerosmith, Led Zeppelin or ZZ Top. Or just cool Bluesy Rock.

Chek them on Reverbnation

Take a Bite

Leaving Love Out For Better Living

I've been informed that today is Father's Day. I wont celebrate it.

I'm not against society pushed holidays that make people remember about things they should understand on their own, like Valentine's Day. But i dont need to say "i love you" to my father or be thankful to him, not even today. Because i'm not.

I dont think i should feel ashamed of that. I realized, getting older, that feelings are supposed to be natural and sometimes, they just fade away for some reason or another. People usually force themselves into "fixing" things or "reconnecting" with people. And in my opinion all they do is make things worse.

I do not love my father. He did good thgings for me, i will always remember them. He is not a bad person. And not a really good one either. He's flawed like evryone else. But i do not feel love for him, no matter what. I feel moments of affection at times, especially when i realize that he is old and frequentlyill. I still try my best to take care of him and i will be next to him till the end if he end up in the hospital again. But thats because he is my father and i feel that being a man, also includes getting over even the worst rivers of shit and be close to the ones in need. Its not about making things right, cause nobody does. But i have a conscience and a dignity so i wont be one of thoase ridiculously callous people who dont show at a father's deathbed to prove some useless point.

Still, nothing to celbrate. He helped me into existence, took care of me, fed me. We dont love each other and theres nothing to celebrate.

And i think this attitude would make a lot of lives better, if applied correctly. You dont have to love most people. You dont choose your family and you dont have to get along with them. You can move on and have separate, mutually uninterested lives. Bew there if you're needed. Do that for yourslef. But for the rest, get over it. Its almost impossible to get along with blood relatives and in-laws and you really dont have to.

You can quit loving a person. Seems like everyone wants to fix relationships, fix marriages, compromise. All good, buyt sometimes its just an exercise in self hurting. If you realize its over, move over. Dont stay together for the memories. Not even for the kids. Your kids will sufffer ten times more in a household made by two people who cant stand each other. You will end up resnting them too cause theyre forcing you together, and that wouldnt be fair. It would poison their mind.

You can quit loving someone that still loves you too. It happens. There comes a moment when you realize something's wrong. That you dont feel like giuving anymore. That something is broken. That you need to get away to keep your mind together. It will hurt. You'll hurt others. You'll feel bad. But the lie would be much much worse cause liying helps, a lot. But in the end it eats you up like a virus and corrodes your sould, turning everything into rotten misery. And you cannot wake up withou feeling like death. So be an asshole, if you have to and go away, before it gets worse. Burn the bridges. Stop the haemorraging. What's done is done.

It happens to firendships too. Most friends you choose and are there in the brightest times and in the darkest hours. But then things die. And you need to move on. Even if people get hurt. Forcing things would just mkill you inside.

And yes. You can stop loving your own kids. I dont have any. But even if the absolute love you feel for them seems like it will last forever, everyone i know has reached a moment when it became clear that them and their spawn were two separate entities. Maybe they were grown up. Maybe they wer just never meant to be parents. In that case, still, be there and pretend as much as you can. Until they find someone to replace you with. You fucked up when you had them, and you owe them sanity.

As for the rest, love your pets. They're the only ones whose love lasts forever.

I wanna Be Your Toilet: A Cautionary Tale Of Self Hatred

Once upon a time, in a more simple world, where thoughts were more binary and events were more linear, the boy and the girl used to be in love.

The boy was never a popular person. He wasnt an utter failure, he could handle life, in his own way, but he got enough awkwardness and scars in his head and heart to be completely crippled in the way he handled strong feelings. He tried and failed so many times that he just became content with his condition of exploiter of short bursts of feelings, short term relationships and one night stands. Then he realized she was still there.

He used to have a crush on the girl since he was a kid. She came in his life, usually with other guys, and somethign about her, the way she movied and the way she gave vibes through her eyes, always made him feel differently than anything else. He had learned since the first moment he saw her, moving thorugh the corridors of high school that he would've been glad to emabarass himself for her.

And he did. He courted her, obsessively, like Steve Urkel. He wasnt ugly or a nerd but he never really learned what he was supposed to do when it came to actual love. All he knew was how you handled stupidity with alcohol and drugs and how to have sex as an accident. But he didnt know how you loved someone. So he ended up just being ridiculous and over the top. With flowers, poems, songs, gifts. With drunken revelations on a dancefloor, which ended with her just pushing him away and going with a more confident person, some time a friend of his, that like male friends do, took the first move on her not because he wanted to, but to prove who's stronger.

He shed tears and even humiliated himself on television show. That was another story and a mess too.

Then years passed and he changed. They were both ugly ducklings and they both blossomed in their own way. He became more confident, she became sexy. And one night they randomly found each other, kissing in the moonlight in an alley, while cars passed them and honked. That was the peak of a courting that went on for years and would mark them forever. They blasted off like fireworks and a sentence like "I will love you forever, no matter what" still meant something then.

They made love everywhere and sucked out the force of the world to light up their own universe where a sweaty bed and lots of silent stares wer all that they needed for unlimited time.

It took only a year to fizzle out. It was an intense year, they gave it all. And they ended up without strength. She wanted to move on and he didnt know how to hold on to her. She told him they needed to talk and left him sitting and waiting on a doorstep for hours. Not even almost dying a thousand times and falling into a pit of sticky knives made of pills wouldve hurt that bad again. Waiting to hear "go away", and crying. And understanding that no matter what he did, or what she said, what was once safe and strong and the center of their world had just died.

He crawled out of that hole but he never was the same again.

After years of bad friendships, nails in coffins, fake feelings, drugs, and self destruction, she popped up again. he didnt know what she wanted. She probably didnt know either. They tried to be friends again.

They traveled. It seemed to make sense. But she wouldnt fuck him. It shouldve been a red flag but he was holding his head together barely those days. He was taking all sort of pills to stop his head from screaming tone deaf songs into his heart, So even that was helping somehow.

But there was so much weirdness. She treated him as a boyfriend one day then ran away the day after.

And still they traveled. They went to Majorca one month. She was making a choice, to go away forever, to change her life for the millionth time. He was barely able to sleep without popping up all sort of meds. He didnt know what to with it. And "it" was everything.

And it was hell. It was endless days of cold hearted discussions and sentences with nothing in them. Of moodswings and cruel indifference and jabs that were done just to hurt. Cause hurtin sometimes is like a drug.

One night, in that sticky air, full of mosquitos and humidity, where you can smell the love of others, they were sleeping in the same bed. He had kissed her feet and she had told him to die.

A door was opened and a man entered the room.

The boy was knocked out by sleeping pills, dreming of arm wrestling with Chuck Berry. She tried to wake him and at first he didnt answer. She thought he had been killed and she would get raped by the stranger, who just stood on the door silent.

The boy woke up, turned on the light. She was in tears. The man stood there and stared. What would he do? He would kill the guy, for her. No matter what, even if it meant getting killed. He would have to. Not for honour. Just to end that shit.

The stranger just said "Sorry, i got the wrong room" and ran away.

The girl went to the hotel's reception and shouted "A nigger enetered my room".

He tried to console her but nothing would fix it. Whatever was still floating died right there.

When she finally fell asleep, he went into the bathroom. He closed his eyes and thought of the past. He masturbated in silence. And he swore he would survive.

They never talked to each other again

Moments of Extreme Surrealism

As an excessively self aware man, who constatly tries to find logic in the world and justify everything that happens or the actions of people, simply because i refuse to give up to the fact that most of the world makes no sense, i keep encountering moments of scary surrealism.

You dont have to be a geniuys to see those. There's something in the interaction of human beings, something that maybe is rooted in our weird animal nature or maybe is due to some strange overlooking power with a weird sense of humour.... Something that plunges everyone of us into situations that we would've probably seens as gtrotesque or unreal if we ever witnessed them with detached outsider eyes. All one needs, when you find yourself trapped into those, no matter how unpleasant they are, is to detach yourself from them and observe the situation as a stage play gone out of control.

A few examples:

The Modern Job Interview

Once upon a time, job interviews were about job abilities and about doing a job or eventually presenting your nepotism based credentials/sexual favours. Now thats still in action but in many occasions you'll be presnted with the "artsy surrelaits theatre play about the oppression of individuals" version of it. Remember (if you ever read about them, dont expect you to have actually seen them) those weird hippie things (movies or whatever) where people had to do illogical things in weird rooms in order to please humourless authority figures? Close.
My latest job interviews (considering that looking for a job, nowadays is required also for people who already have one) contained:

- solving a weird game on paper like "match the three images" in under 30 seconds
- answering questions like "if you could be one of our products which one would you be"
- seeing a guy who cannot read properly without pointing his finger on the paper and never went to school, being hired at a highly qualified position

The Facebook Zoo

Once upon a time, a jewish nerd with a relatively normal face, deicded to create a way for people to actually keep in contact with each other, meet new friends and socialized with the help of the shapeless immensity of the Web.
Cue to years after anbd what you have is a place where people virtually stab fingers in each other, freak out over invites to happenings that will not actually take place (Event: my kitty's new shoes! RSVP), play to fake videogames that are an excuse to give each other spam, stalk each other even when they didnt use to do that, communicate through openly irritating comments (what do you say to a person which "likes" everything? is that a form of flirting?), create drama or wrongness into anything and basically bust balls.
And everything is searchable on google, even the private stuff. Yeah, i know you think its "phunneeeeee", but could you stop posting links to weird applications and groups that spam my email? dont make me punch you.

And the alternative to that is a place where people shout non seuqiturs at each other in 140 characters. I get it now, this is a trick by the jews to create chaos. Damn Zuckerberg, id hit you if you didnt look like a guy that woiuld probably chew my fist off.

The Project Game

Wwhen you start a rpoject where you're putting your heart and being all enthusiastic about it, chances are there's a main person who places funds in it and is supposed to be the driving force. Someone whose presence is more important than yours and has power to decide the life or death of the project. Well, following the surrealist law, this guy is usually a complete nutjob.

Inject a well needed dose of sarcastic pessimism into your heart and expect this laughable events:

-Said person asks for a million reworking of the project because he isnt really convinced. Nothing specific, it just doesnt feel "right". "I cant explain, its something, just do it again, cmon...."
- They set changes to the project that dont make any sense and make it look stupid or give active roles to their spuses or best friends. the project becomes laughably stupid.You cant say anything cause they have the money and you dont.
- They have weird phases of complete silence where you cant reach them after pulling several sleepless nights on the work. You get panicky and desperate. Then they pop up, ignore your complaint and suddenlya sk you to "start working for real"
- That will happen almost all the time: They will drop from the project and blame it on you. It will happen in a devastatingly passive aggressive way, in silence and with no explanation. Lies will be told, things that make no sense will be said. You will go crazy.

The forementioned points can be applies to "projects" ona more philosophical level as marriages, relationships, firendships. Failure has a weird pattern in its development and tends to look that way. The logical way to react is get back on track and start new things but despair is understandable

I have more but you'll have to wait.

Time To Blow Up Stuff

A couple of points to help you understand whats behind this posts and try to catch the core message:

- I live in Italy and i am proud of being in this country. No matter what happens and how bad things go here, i will never reject my country. Even if i move away, i will never deny my origins or forgert where i was born, like many people seem to do. Time to open your eyes, europeans who move to the US: even if you have a job there, a family and your precious greencard that you bought by selling your dignity and pretendinbg to be part of the utopia, you'll still have your own country inside of you. You might scream about being in the number one country (the one with the gold medal) all you want but, depp inside you'll know that you're not fully american and that ignoring the place you come from is a low move. I wont do that, ever.

- I know that for you Stars And Stripers the universe begins and ends in your continent and sometimes in your state and since you live in the "Best Country evah", you feel entitled to ignore the fact that the rest of the world has issues and things that do not include you. Most italians dont give a fuck about Jersey Shore, we're fighting a struggle for survival and to keep our rights here. I know that you guys are used to not vote or ever read anything and wait with your fat ass on a couch for someone to fix your issues or tell you things will be alright. Still in the rest of the world, people fight for their rights.

- Recently ive been facing the issue of being incresingly unabel to pay debts, working at a ridiculous wage and fighting to find a second job. Learning daily how disastrous the economic situation of this country is and how in desperate need of a change most of my countrymen are. How that situation can break somebhody's soul, driving them towards apthy, depression and crime. How hard it is to stay clean and still try.

That said, a couple of days ago, my country spoke and, for once, i wasnt disgusted.

Four referendums were made, a couple of them on key issues. One in particular on a strong, difficult subject: voiding a law made by the actual government to allow our inanely corrupt Prime Minister to escape any legal consequence of his actions.

The media, controlled by the rotten politicians in power (and i'm aware of how conspiracy like this sounds, but its the complete truth) tried to make the referendum useless by pushing people towards abstaining and blocking any sort of information about it. They wanted to use, as they often did, the country's natural tendency towards apathy and indifference, against itself.

For once, it did not work. The turnout was high enough to allow the results to count and they were insanely high. People were saying that they are tired of being crushed.

And still, on social networks, indifference is loud. Seems that now that things were going well for once, people feel the need to state loudly how pointless, trying to exercise democracy in our country is. Disgusted sarcasm is the new policy.

This morning, reading the news, i noticed a tidbit that was almost being ignored by the main channels. A minister, speaking at a conference in Rome, answered an attempt at dialogue by a local representative of Temp Workers, by silencing her and dropping the statement "Temp Workers are the scum of this country". Then rushing away while his minions threatened anyone who wanted to react. A politician whose "job" is to make the country work, and who caused the precarious situation of the employement in the country decided to address the workers as "scum". Like an old century noble man who decicded to spit on the poor for fun.

The reactions between the few who learned (as the news are still weirdly hidden) were angry and yet, the feeling i got was of a genral "heh, what can you do?".

And there i say it: is it, maybe, time to embrace weapons. Is it time to use brute force to act? If demo0cratic actions and dialogue seem to be ginored, maybe its time to push the people into revolution. Maybe it's time to scream, since talking at a civilized volume is not loud enough.

I'm tired of realizing that no matter how hard we try, nothing we do counts. I'm tired of realizing that i'm part of a country thats, at better, treated as a cute pet by foreigners. I'm tired of being surrounded by defeat.

I'm not moving, and i'm getting pissed

The One Thing I Cannot Avoid

It saeems to be one of those things that will survive all wars, changes and evolutions in human nature. Disappointment is the major constant in humanity. Not love, not hate. As long as hope exists, as long as people have a soul, disappointment will hit them and sometime will break their heart.

There's something a discussion with a dear friend of mine brought to my mind: no matter how tough, thick skinned, jaded and with a strong view of reality's flow, everyone deeply within hopes for life to go as they want. It doesnt happen on a large scale, it's a bunch of tiny hopeful moments, of expectations for events to be great and beautiful, for people to act in some way, for days to bring something that will give you a boost or a chnge.

The heart lies to itself , because facing the truth is too painful for anyone. Disappointment hurts and a lot of heartbreak is disappointment taking a different shape. Some people seem to be immune, but in those cases they often are people who are used to have things their way or have a personality that in some way, adapts to what happens and makes things work. To speak in layman terms: a lot of person have hardened to a point that no matter what happens they will exploit the situation in their favour, not caring about the consequences. Or they fel entitled to hurt others cause their own pain is high enough that no one else's really matter. And then there's the others.

You will tell yourself wou will not make the same mistakes again and not put your heart into something. But then it slips out of your g4rip and things dont go as you secretly wanted them to. Even if you didnt really want anything special, even if all you wanted was to have something different to make the day less grey and less toneless than others. In the end, you're not special. You're replacebale. You're forgettable. And njo matter how you know you have no right to feel hurt, you feel hurt anyway.

And you have hopes for a million little moments in your future. You want that day to be good enough to be memorable. You know it wont and you tell yourself, it doesnt have to be a big deal. And in the end it goes away, slipping through the cracks an without barely making a sound. Doesnt leave a great memory, and the time has passed by with little to no conseuence.

You hope things will eventually change sometimes. You remember when you were a kid and you faced the hard times hoping for a moment, in your twenties or thirties, where you would maybe not be succesful or realized but you wouldve done something different. Then time disappears and youre there dying one day at a time, with more disppointments than actual dreams come true. And you keep folowing lights that will take you nowherte, link yourself to hopes that have no possibility to become true, people who have no place for you in their life for more than a momentary healing of their wounds, just a second before replacing you with someone fresher and more available.

Yeah, its all your fault. You know it and you would give everything to learnh how to face it without being shattered again and again. Cause even when its a small thing, it kinda hurts. But as long as you have a heart, it will feel that pain. And some days all you can do is write a blog entry.