Guilt is a virus-. Of all the flesh rotting creatures that can infest bodies or the crippling miscommunications that can destroy your brain, guilt terrifies me.
I feel responsible and guilty of not being able to be good enough.
And that goes beyond, any success, or solution to problems, or ability to make things that i might or might not have. My father threatens mw with suicide attempts. He makes my mother more ill than she should be.
None of the two things are really a part of the point im trying to make. I'm just realizing that my existence is affected by people, it shpould not be affected from. And the ways in which they manipulate the holes i have left in my personality while trying to become an adult, or even a person.
I am not good. I have never been. I made confued choices and now i am not able to make things right. And i feel guilty for not being a better person.
I feel like i should be more indifferent, so that i could focus my energies on other issues and be there for the ones who really need me.
I have deceived them, giving them the idea that i am a good person, ablke to support and string. But i crumble. And no, it isnt something that happens cause we are humans. We do not have the right to be humans. We are supposed to be better, to outgrow our humanity. The good ones do. Good parents, good lovers, good friends. They get over their humanity and flaws and are able to improve other's life, insted of losing their strength of the obstacles.
Good people give and rebuild their strength at each fall so they could give again. A good person does not say "i'm sorry this is a bad day", cause their only reason to be, is providing comfort and strength for their loved ones. And if they fail at that, they do not get excuses.
I fail constantly and seeing people believing in me, hurts even more.
I am not able to support the one si love., cause i let evil suck the life out of me. And if it aint evil, i still am not able to do good for them either.
Mine is the worst type of evil: i am not good, i am not bad. I am inconsequential. I do not do. My actions are thepretical. My positivity is in words that disappear and leave no trace. I am a series of sentences with no actions. I am promises that get not fulfilled.
Done. You can go read something else.