lunedì 8 agosto 2011

Into The Void.

If you ever talked to any person with a complaining, whining personality, you probably heard them describe the way they wanted to commit suicide in graphic detail, at least once.

Let me get more specific: i was brought up by a man whose main personality trait was reflecting his own negativtiy on the people that surrounded them. He is a survivor, beat cancer three times, but since day i was born, every single time i talked to my father, at some point of the conversation he brought up the ways he wanted to off himself, and how he was going to do it some day.

Some people just have it in them: they are in love with this form of misery that always comes tied up with a theatrical attraction for the idea of suicide. They will often say how they are an inch from "blowing their brains off". They will repeat the visual loudly and obsessively, describe it, even when it isnt appropriate. They will attempt and fail (proving how mediocre they really are), usually in ways that were guiaranteed NOT to kill them. On those occasion they will chock down a bunch of pills, not enough to die but enough to fall somewhere embarassingly. Then their loved ones will be scared to death, fearing that this would be a real thing. A suicide note will be there, long and verbose, full of passive-aggressive jabs to everyone and self pity.

In the end those people will never die from those attempts. Real suicidal people do not brag about it. They kill themselves in silence, they hardly write notes and if they do, they're mostly goodbyes or apologies. The suicidal drive takes over and blanks out everything else. And a lot of the times, no one would've guessed it could have happened. If they get saved, they will do it again. And as harsh as i may sound, in those cases the best thing is to let them go. You cant stop them and theyre beyond help. They are already dead inside. A mental cancer has eaten up their soul and all they can do now is die.

But the loud ones, they're just malaise junkies. Like drug addicts they will also destroy all the people around them, with fear and guilt.

As much as i sound negative on that, mostly because growing up with a person like that, was torture, i have been through those swamps. I think i am alive, not because i love life or cause i am strong, but because i dont have the strength of character to die. I have the selfish attraction for despair and the instability but not the sheer balls to die.

I have tried it with external ways, though: alcohol, meds, drunk driving, and all.... I have never tried heroin. And i have to admit that even if i'm more balanced today, the dark part of me, is still attracted to the idea of heroin. A drug that numbs the soul and gives you a rush of pleasure while completely annihilating the ability to think. That attracts a large chunk of me. The ritual scares me, the idea of the preparation and usisng a needle. But i could get into it. And what would come after...-. Well i'm sure i could become an addict to the point of self destruction. I know, i'd die of it, or worse but i feel that demon is still inside of me. I feel it's there.

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