How To Kill Your Heart

There's a curious and unsettling side effect to the evnts that life places in front of you, that is hitting me hard today. And since i am plagued by self awareness and some sort of vaguely morbid love for introspection, i am trying to decipher it.

As a scientist of the non-existent, which means that i generally love to analyze things that could be eaily left alone with no consequence, and do it with some sort of borderline obsessive method, i have to observe this phenomenon and realize what it is.

Step A: I Have Seen it happening before

It was almost like a seasonal blossoming of flowers and fruit. Or the pus oozing form infected wounds. No matter how passionate, how smart and sensitive people i knew were. After a good amount of frustrated dreams, a traumathic event like an illness, an accident or an unwanted, or too wanted, pregnancy, they would become numb. They would, maybe twist and turn like fireworks, focusing their anger towards ways of thought they never had before, turning conservative and almost fascist when they used to be liberal. Becoming hyper aware of encvironmentalism or, in many cases, settling in the land of mental oblivion that is the world of conspiracy theories. But in the end, the winner is apathy and cynicism. Always. The numbing, almost cozy embrace of irnoic indifference got them all. Why did it happen? they were not born that way. What happened to their spirits. How did their soul die?

Step B:  Being Hit Slowly By The Phenomenon

I am a passionate person. After defeating depresssion, which manifested in me through violent explosions of emtional distress, whether it was over the top manic anger, happiness, or  the like. The cure, as i mentioned before, was a chemical treatment that suippressed any sort of emotional peak, making the down moments more bearable buit also nulled any sort of high or edge. Trying to get off of that, forced me to put a stron ordert in my life and a strong control over my emotions. I had to learn how to not feel "too much" but also to be able to still have any feelings at all and deal with the eventual pain or disappointments. Things seemed to be changing again.

Recently earthquakes, recession, frustration and a lot of strange holes in logica are all around me. I am equally disgusted by people who show utter indifference or the ones who show obsessiveness about the problem. The over intellec tualizing people who spend waxing paragraphs on the reasons of tragedy. The ones who use irony and cynical inappropriate humour tpo detach themselves from everything that happens, but aòlso the obsessive weepers, the people who seem to thrive on sadness, who seem to be dwelling in a permanent state of complaint instead of actual action or need for information,.

I despise the obsession for knowing the truth, who naturally takes people towards rambling ridiculousness but i also despise the gleeful indifference that has one rule: fuck everything and everyone except me. And id espiser how the total lack of interest for news or culture seems to be the key to living.

And yet.

It is the easiest way

Step C: Understanding the Symptoms

Let's face, thertes no amount of words, essays and arhguments that can be used or written about how "love conquers all" or "indifference wont win". It is not tthe truth. For two very simple reasons:

- The very people who say that "love conquers all" and "indifference wont win" are often loveless and indifferent towards anyone except themselves. Same can be said for the ones that treasure culture, unity, tolerance and reason. Their arttitude rejects others, negating those very principles. That is because, u undeniably, hate is a natural aspect of people. And even when reworded as love, its still hate. And 9its more hoinest than any from of bogus love. And in the end that brings us to the very corte of this thing

- Being numb feels good


There is a reason for which people get on drugs. For which they follow cults that help them into mass hypnosis. For which they are loveless and indifferent and end up settling into a complete stasis that takes away their passion, feelin gs and interest towards the world and its inhabitants.

When i talk to someone who is numb and apathetic, they dont suiffer. I do.
When i have feelings towards people and the world, they often bring pain and fear with them.

Opening up the heart, caring, trying to convince people, is torrturous.

In various degrees:

- You love something strongly, a musician, a place, a movie. You try to convince others about it, to spread the word. Youre meeet by indifference. You're the one who suffers, not them. So, fuck it.

- You care for a cause por invest emotion into a situation. Eventual disappointment will come. You will suffer. A cynical person wont.

Apoathy is soothing. And if youre a good actor you can mask apathy as sensitivity and actually exploit people's good heart. And win.


I dont have that disease in me, but i understand it. Not sure what that makes of me. But i had to analyse. Thats also a disease.

For You.

I'm writing this because i have to.

See, i love you. I love you more than anything in the world. You are the reason i live and breathe. And not in the usual pseudo poetic way that people use to make their love declarations sound more powerful. I do live and breathe because of you.

Because at morning, when i wake up, my mind is at its lowest, weakest point. Its downb and juices, aching for pilsl and at oits loneliest: And all i can think of at that moment is that youre ou there somewhere and i have to drag myself out of bed and stand and gnaw through anything with claws and teeth so i can be rewarded with ebven one smile from you.

And you're strength and light and joy. Youre enthuisiasm for small and big things. Yoiu make me feel emnotions when i chose on my own to become numb cause even joy would've meant to hit rock bottom sooner or later. 

But with you, its natural: The joy is always there and its for small domestic daily occurrence. I am happy for sitting in the sun, for seeing a cat picture, hearing a song, thinking of a joke. 

The need for you is aching and strong and hits me, always. But i welcome it, cause it makes blood rush through my vein and reactivate my limbs and the heart beat.

And i always was scared of that: Terrified of feeling, cause to me, feeling good with sopmeone also means, sometimes, if not most of the time, to feel ten thousand times worse when you're alone.

Cause when i loved somebody i would become terrified of losing them. In the most wicked ways. Cayuse i have a beast in me and it is subtle. It makes me see my small inabilities. My mediocrities. My tiny flaws that can make everything crack: My lack of money: My temper. My weird mood swings. My sudden melancholy that always looms  oiver my mind like a shadow ready to cloud any thought and make evrything panicky and horrifying.

So i would choose not to feel anything.

 But the feelings were so strong when you came along. Cause you loved me for me, with all the package. With all the flaws. With the temper and the problems. And you started to actually see them as ythings that made me what i am.

And after falling for your eyes and smile, and voice and body, and mind and personality, i fell in love with what you didnt like about yoiu either. Your moments of insecurity and fragility. Your emotions and how they took over you at times. Your stubborness and your quirks. I love them all so much: Cause i know them well and yet i always find new ones.

And you know what they all complete mine. You understand my flaws cause you have some too. And we make them fit. And we make the work together for those moments of awesome. Which are every single second we are together or in each other's head.

This is why i love you. Cause no matter how dark, lonely and forlorn my world is, youre a better world i can go to. And which i never weanna leave. And because you're you. And that you si perfect for me. AN d it will always be.

And i ve never felt more secure of anything in my whole little life.

I will always love you

The Curse Of Writing

Creativity is a blossoming flower that fills up your brain with exhilarating pollen.

It roots inside your brain feeding on your ideas and thoughts, and memories and turns them into gorgeous looking flowere. You look back at those flowers, their shaded petals and you barely ebeliev how glorious a simple set of thoughts has been able to become. All it neededf was to be cultivated. Alll it needed was to be worked at. And yes, it might not be perfect or special, bhut you made it.

And It's yours damnit. You have wakean up with ideas and decided to shape them into words. Never thought about writing before. Youy read, for sure, but you never thought you'd be actrually able to form redable sentences. but as soon as you planted the seed, they started to flow out of you like a cascade of naturally interconnecting pieces of a machine. And there it was. Yoru creation. And yeah, it might be bad, but it's yours. A child. That breathes and lives and brings emotions.

But, sticking to that awful and overbearingly childish flower metaphor, the beauty needs dung to grow. Fertilizer, they call it? Still smells like shit.

And what it really is, is people. Humanity. Readers. Cause theres this horrifying conviction that a writers writes for others. And wants others to tell him their views on hsi writing.

No Bigger lie was told since the story aout children beign a blessing. (otr that god loves all of us). So allow me to give a quick list of a few of the abomninations on two legs that have caused me to quit trying to be creative once and for all. If you're one of those, kill yourself. no one will miss you and the gene pool will be improved by your absence.

1) The Unrequested Reviewer


This one is painful and spreads out more than STD's. They read a few pages, they know you, probably superically, like theyre horrifying third degree relatives whose usual reading abilities are very close to illiteracy, or theyre the drunk suburbia fucks that you sually cross the street to avoid. But damn, somone, probably uyour mom, gave thema copy of your creation. They read one or two pages and decided they were literary critics with a Leonard Maltin soul. So youll get this "Hey i really hated it. I tried  to rerad it but i gave up". And list all the ways your chidl disppointed them cause it failed to be as deep as the only two books they read since they were ten. The major point behind that is the sorry idea that an authors WANTS criticism. And the even more messed up one that tellign abrasive point of views to a person on something they care for is "telling ti like it is". No one wants your opinoon. Ever. Keepo it to yourself.

Same goes froim Grammara Nazi and living spellchecks. If i want an editor, i'll get one. You shut the fuck up.

2) The Requested Reviewer That Is An Asshole


And also, whiel criticism is fine, a dispshit with a blog that decided to "revbiew" your book after yous ent ti to him for free, in hope of a dignified reaction and decided to dissect it like he's the lweastr hope for humanity's literary dingity, is pointless. A few web hits get to their head, they think their geniuses and in all your humblenesds you become their way to be legit. Fuck you, scab. Get a real Job

3) The Curious Fucks


No one likes interviewers, even when theyre professionals. And Repeating the sdame things to people that apparently need to feel intelligent by makin groudnbreaking questions like "How did you get the ispiration  for this". And even worse, is the ones that dont understand that fiction and reality are usually two separate things. So what you write isnt necessarily aurtobiographical. And even if it was, its none of theyre goddamn business. Seriosuly, writing about murders or sexuality doesnt mean you ahve issues. ITS FICTION: Grow up.

4) The Assholes Who Tried


Look, im glad you tried to write too when you were 13 and then gave up cause you realized that writing is stupid. I'm also glad that your first novel was about a talking Mushrooms that discovered the true meaning of christmas. And also had sex scenes. Yes i am ok with eharing the story behind it. And how your dreams were crushed when you had yuour tenth baby. Can we move on now?

5) The Cyncials And Yoru Family


When i wrote my frist and only novel, this was the worst part. I know it was a leap of faith. I know i wouldnt probably amek money out of it. But hearing a parent tellign you every time they see you that "if you dont make a livign out of it then its a waste of time".
And it'0s even worse whena  loved one or a friend does it. You dont have to udnerstand it people. All we want is support. And it doesnt atke much. If you love us, let us dream. Even if you think our dreams will eb shattered. tehy will, but we need you now and we will need you later. You shoudlòve known when you fell in love with an artists. We soar high and we fall hard. But thats part of the beauty, innit?

We Aim To Displease, Miss Steele

Forget technology, forget the shape of human relationships, forget the economy.

 All of those are nothing but slight variations of old and vaguely stale concepts, sold top us for the millionth time by media and brain washers that are lacking ideas.

Theres always been lack of jobs, hope and poverty. The future, and by future i am speaking of amll goals, like the week after, has always been hazy and confused. The current state of economy in most countries is just one of the various tragic moments that are inevitably occurring after years of indefference, neglect, and self centered, slef absorbed actions. In laymen term: if you only think of your own immediate gratfication for years, with no interest or regard for rules, other people, society and a minimal decency, you will be eaten in the end. And being that man is a negative animal, it is just obivious that after a constant craving for feeding on each other we are now spiraling into despair. What really has changed now is Concepts.

Words, connected to meanings.

 One of the few notions i studied in Sociology that actually stuck with me is how language and human interactions are strictly connected. We, as humans, think through language and words. And by those words we create concepts that shape our thoughts and lives and the ways we behave. To put it even stronger : It doesn not matter how we THINK we behave in life or to others or what our safe beliefs arte. Its how we perceive the concept behind those that counts. And there are no wrong or right mindsets. Only mindsets that could or could not clash with the ones that society has deemed acceptable. Which is the real problem.

Some Examples

 Love

Think about how many layers this simple word has on its own. Think how , in your own personal experience, you probvably cannot grasp what it ecxactly is. Nowadays, it has become a word that has been neutered and deprived of its powered by sheer overuse. You can read, hear, talk and interact with people that think "love" is some sort of idealistic force present in any human being, with an unlimited power to improve the world, solve any situation and turn dystopias into utopia. So you can hear people talking about how "love is stronger than hate", hoiw everything can be worked out or won through love.

Fact is: love is rare. It isnt a natural instinct for most. People arent born loving. Not even mothers love unconiditionally. A mother loves her son, because it represnts a part of her, something that she has put an effort iunto creating. A phsysical maniofestation of part of her life. And let's face it: parents love their sons because thyre a possible investment of ego, money and dreams of immortality: Ypou have children, because you want to see yourself mirrored into them, give them ideas to grow with, have them act in a certain eway that you shaped and constructed into their malleable minds. But it isnt the unconditional or pure feeling that a lot of the modern naives have. Some animals feel a connection towards other being that is close to apure love. Most humans dont. It isnt in our nature to do so.

But, once ina lifetime, and this is my point, that it happens rarely and it has to be treasured, since it might not happen again, you might find another person who simply copnnects with you, gfills the gap in your spirit, helps life get a meaning.

In your mind your own natural instincty of self preservation is erased. You put this person before yoursefl. Because they ARE a part of you and your wrold. ANd your world withotu them would have no sense at all. THAT is love. Now using that same concept for anything else, is diminsihing. You can feel affection. Interest, warmth. Not Love.

  Hate

In a chemically opposite way, theres a misuse of this word which is equally as powerful. Hate is a poweful force that drives a human beign through life as much as love and more than any belief. Whats really behind a lot of religiously motivated action, is hate. Its not the belief in politics, god or the absence of such. Its the energy and power of hatred.

It's focusing your energy to destroy someone, or a lifestyle or an entire group of people. It might not be violent at all, it can be just a verbal, quiet slow corrosion of their peace and living. Its still hate. Hate is a force that substains peopel that have an empoty heart. The desperate and the broken will never find love, most of the time. They will find a belief. But what that belief weill teach them will not be a strength that they will find in themselves. That would be futile. A broken person doesnt fix herself with her own hand. WHat they need is an enemy, a sense of righteous disgust: Hate. That makes them live, feel superior, feel revitalized. And survived. And its much more in human's nature, since humans are vile and destructive. Still. Hate is now a weakened almost pathetic word. Which is making people loose sight of where it really is.

A disagreement is not hate.
A criticism is not hate.
An angry, even sarcastic answer is not hate. In differtence is annoying but is not hate. None of the aforementioned people are hatrers.
BUT a person that is constatly bent on being the cenre of attention, and accuses of being "Haters" all the peoiple that slightly perturb this degocentrical fanstasy IS full of hate. Words make concepts. And Concepts are the only truth.

 Family, Faith and Normality

First, society has forced a concept of family on people that is based on a dysfunktional idea.
The traingle Mother/Father/Children isnt nevcessarily the right, positive choice. It can be in the highest number of chances a receptacle of bitterness, violence (psyuchological or phsysical) and mistakes. We feel forced coonection with people that are tied to us with blood, and oftren those peopl,ewill destroy us. We have the diseased idea that only through proxcreation and a nuclear family we will be able to reacha positive life. Most of the time forcing that option will cause bitterness and pain. And also the type of pain that will be unleashed on innocent ones

Faith. I am an atheist and as one, you think i have no beliefs. That is wrong. I do not belief in any form pof treligion that tries to tell me that i have to bow down to an impalpable, non-existence presence to handle my life. I refuse to be part of beliefs that use such invisble idea ads a back up for their own dysfucntions. But that also includes the average condescendinty atheist that uses its own sense of mental suyperioty to be cruel and condescending to others.

I have faith and belief and complete trust into what is good for me. What makes me happy and makes my life worth living. Music The eprson i love, to whom i would give my life at any minute. And myself. I subscribe to that as my normality: Your idea of normality is corruptedc, crippled and fuill of doubts.

You are all freaks.

End of argument

Out Of Context

Terrorism. A man enters a building, eventyually owned by the state, filled with people. He has weapons. He takes hostages. Fear and violencer is used to make a statement. The common reaction of the police force should be to incapacitate the person and save the hostages. Negotiations might occcur, but in some cases, theyre not possible. So a grim ending is the only available output. What happens next is also key. In some insatnces the act could have been driven by insanity or despait. In others, by need of money or as an extreme gesture of assault against the system represented by the state. Or in most cases, the person is a fuckup. The reaction of the press will generally talk about the terror of the victims, the intervention of the police. What could've been done. The person with a gun is the viaìllain, and thats how its supposed be. But. The crisis changes things and half the world seems to ignore it. Even the countries that are supposed to acknowledge their own despair seem to revel in some sort of self pity or, worse, some sort of poetic romanticization odf despair. Thjere's no need for solutions when we can cru about the problems and wait for a hypotetical "Someone" to solve them instead of us. A man, yesterday, entered the local fiscal agency. He was bankrupt Entrepreneur. His business hadf failed and he was indebted to the poin of despair. Where some commit sauicide he decided to react by making a grand gesture. With weapons he took hostages and asked for a "Resolution". Police arrested him after a whole day of tension and fear, Herte's where the change sets off. The man, indesperate times, where people have no job, no money, and mostly no hope, becomes some sort of a symbol. Papers, and worst odf all, social commentators, let alone the mass of unfocused sad humanity thatr is the intertnet decides to make him a herpo. A symbol. Someone that pushed by desperation has decided to use froce against an indifferent state that has decided to set the balance straight by crushign the citizern with increasing demands of money. And there lies the flaw. Because, if desperation is largely understandable and must cause empathy, the point here is very close to self made justice. Because now that the public opinion thinks that a man using wepaons and taking hostages out of despair, in times where there is NO future or anything at the horizon unless you run far far away, is doing the right thing, people will copy his actions. Or do worse. In the hope that using louder and louder statemnts, maybe things will change. Because thanks to years of indifference and shadiness from the big wheels and yesrs of sermonizing wordmsiths have created the idea that if you actually use force, you can obtain results. What this will cause instead, after the spreading of the infection, is a brutal answer. Less freedom. more punishment. And so it begins the unraveling of a scoial system and the descent into chaos and looting in the streets. We watched snarkily when it happned to greece. Then more worringly when other countries had the same. I see a future where terorism is born and blood is spilled in the name of resolputions that are just impossible. I honestly am scared.