sabato 7 luglio 2012

Summer Venom: A reflection on Human Failures

Its a summer day, and while looking outside of my woindow doing chores, i am brought to a weird and sudden memory.

Ages ago, during a aummer night strategically placed in heated, sticky, mosquito infested months like this one, i made a big mistake, that i will remember forever as one of the worst faux pas of my existence. Well one of many. 

I did the mistake of believing in the absolutely non-existent possiblity of fixing of a dying relationship and went ona trip around northern italy with a girl. We were in that unnerving phase of a dying romance where you cant really stand each other but youre still "trying to work out things".

First off: There is no working out things. Life is a powr struggle and war. When you enter a relationship, whther its romantic or evena good freindship, you enter a realm of unspokes compromise, where you sorta have to accept giving out sense and logic in the name of something higher and stronger. 

Most of the time that higher and stroner thing wasnt there to begin with. Most of the other times it was but it was very frail, and as soon as it debilitattes a little, you find yourself dealing with another human being that, as most humans, is by nature hostile and dangerous, and will jump at your throat at any excuse. IOn most cases every little thignthat ocne was a reason for your delusions to thrive, will become a weaponagainst each other. 
The delusion of love easily turn into the very palpable reality of hate. 

Also, you havce to add that often this person will know things about you: what was some beautiful and romantic sharing is now a weapon to hurt you in the softer spots. Thats what people are in the end, when stroipped off from the layers of rose tinted dreams they dress themselves with.

SO at that point, theres no working out. It wont happen. Theres silent hatred. unspoken issues. Lies, cheatying and deceit. No working out. people dont work out things. they act like thyre trying but in the end they hurt each other, whiooch is the basic communication of humans. 

So yeah, in the end we camer back and had a huge fight under my door. We threw things we bought oin the trip at each other. We shouted, hurt each other where it was more painful. I cried. I was exhausted. She tried to drive me over with her car. 

And my other thought is how i still clearly remember  how she thrived on huirting me physisically. And i cant take out of my mind one thought: she did it because as a man, i could not react to that. She could hit me, hurt me, even badly, she wasnt a feeble girl. Let's not bullshit each other with the lie that all women are less strong than men on a principle. But i couldnt do anything and i took the hits. Why? Cause if i even dared to opush her back, she would have sued me or worse. I would be labeled as a woman beater. 

I am sure of that. It's another dark shade of that. Social double standard work as a weapon too. Just ask to any divorced person. 
Dont talke any of this too seriosuly but realize i am right too.

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