But until tonight, all he always thought about scientists, philosophers and men of the wrod, was that their inane refelctions and their endless elaboration on the actual meanings of chains of events, were much like a giant, perfumed, wall of smoke surrounding this huge secret that humanity, as a flawed, terrified species, refuses to see: nothing has meaning.
And you will get years, centuries of groups of people, some smaller some bigger, to conince every single indidivdual that they figured out the secret mathematics and rules to waht connects cause to effect and most imnportantly they have found the real source of life and the reason for living.
You will face people that will point at you for seeing through all this, say youre bitter and angry, jusge your realism and guilt trip you into denying it. They will widen their eyes when you hide your realization of what you have figured out in the middle of a good day and ask you "swaht's wrong" or what's the inner meaning of your words. And you will feel so sick of that condescending compassion, that whole series of maks that feel so superior to the faces that wear them, that you will just pretend you were being hu8morous and joking. Partcipoate in the play even if you saw the rotting corpses in the backstage. Play like you dont know that this whole charade about fdinding the murderer has no meaning cause theres no ending anyway.
And whenever you hear someone say sorry a thousand times you cannot help of thinking about how your father did the same, apologizing with teary eyes after drunken rants, insults and violent outbursts. And how he would repeat the same actions all over again a few seconds after the aplogy. cause apologetic words and declaration of love and feelings mean less and less weach time your repeat them. Cause the more you do the more it means theyre just a desensitized sound that coems out of you liek a trigger reflex when your swatting a fly. Youre not really thinking about killing the fly, youre just doing it. So you say you're sorry, and you say you love, and you say youre sad. but if anyone called you out on it, youd snap like a kid caught with theirt hands in a cookie jar.
They werent supposed to know that your gentle words are just a tool, or a shield, or a habit. Cause in the end youre just empoty as those words are.
Buta fter four hours of driving, on a hot old car that is loosing its grip on the radio and loud radio playing some sun cooked tape filled with classic rock from the reightoies that now sounds deformed and messed up by time, your head enters a limbo where its actually empoty of any thought.
Which is what you try to obtain with binge drinking weekends, drugs and pills. To not have those thoughts or at least have an excuse for when they erupt in disjointed pained rambling out of your mouth. I was drunk, i didnt mean that, Cause yes, people say that "in vino veritas" b ut everyone is so terrified of that being true. Cause so many decnt people become monsters when they drink. So that would mean that everyone is a monster within. And that woudl make everytyhing crumble wouldnt it.
Cause when youre drunk and howling you can actually sscream out loud to everypone how a fight on the phone with your girlfriend who was supposed to be your true eternal love has just cemented yout thought. Which is that trusting another person is the most inhuman deformity that people have tricked themselv es into: Cause all you can trust is what you can see. When the other person is away from your eyes all it takes them to fail you is a mintue. And then youll have to forgive ort forget or just not know it. but in the end those things will pile up. Cause no matter how strongly you worked to build a castle. all it takes to destroy it is one night of breeze. So all those words of tyrust are just a trick to numb the truth, which is just the fatc that in the end, it will crumble.
And while you are not thinking about that, cause all that stuff is out for once, on vacation in hell. Your car spoins out of control. And you spin and smash your head. And you feel no pain. You feel epaceful cause you're about to die. And all that yammering about living your life has now no more purpose or meaning. The fear of not living right, the doubts, the bein afraid of death, has no meaning. its over nwo and theres nothing you can do about it. Done.
And then Its blackout. if you live, its all over again. Cause like adicts to pain and awareness and biotterness as soon as you started being close to it youll do it again. If you die it's over.
Heads or tail, you choose.