Scumbag [skuhm-bag]: 1) a bag of Scum (a fruit originary from the Paparua Island, wwhich pulp has propertis against erectile dysfunction); 2) a generic term to deifne a person of low moral fiber.
I've been against my own body for the whole last couple of weeks. Everyday, every waking hour a monster stab of pain coming from the centre of my back rendered me unable to move, breathe properly or even think. See, i always had problems with my back, since i had my major car accident (not the one that caused me the suspension of my driving license, curiously, but that's another story). And since my numerous ankle breakings due to my drunken falls. And also since my main job implies that i stay sat in front of a computer for most of the time. But hardly i ever experience something so brutal, that basically made me paralyzed for big slabs of time.
Add to that a weirs deries of other, smaller, health issues i had rtecently and i have to admit that i got worried. What if all those things were the sign of a larger, more serious condition?
What if i was in trouble?
That sort of thought roams often in my head, i am a recovering depresssed alcoholic and on meds after all, but the thoughts vary each time, almost as a sign of the mental temperature i'm in. This time i was much more scared and also realized how completely alone i am, in my world.
Yes, i have friends, but the best ones live across the ocean or at least many km away from me. I dont have people that have my back (no pun intended) close to me. Many of my closest friend would help, as i'd do for them but, since their lives arent intertwined with mine, they could do that to a certain point. If i duied, i would die almost alone.
Yeah, well, those thoughts kep roaming in my head and making me afraid. So while i was waiting for a resolution and some medical result, i thought that maybe, it woyuld be the right time to reconnect with my family. My mother and my father. Not that we're really estranged, but maybe this could be a chance to actually rebuild a relationship and some love and mutual goood feelings, since they are old and not healthy and i felt fragile too.
But thats the point: old age doesnt turn people into better persons. And i aint much better either. I show my best game face with others but i have tons and tons of unspoken bad things ive done, flaws huge as an ocean, things ive done to others, to their back and to their face, which i would love to apologiza for but it's too late. And probably it would be pointless, since im quite sure that i'll do worse in the future, somehow. Part of the bad emotional state i'm in recently is because i pushed a LOT of people away. Some times because i felt hurt or tired. Other times because i was a scumbag, pure and simple.
As for my family. Well, they're not good people. My father is weak, spineless and a liar. He has been pushed around for most of his life, so he always kinda took it out on his scapegoats: my mother and me. Not in a violent way, unless you count "emotional violence", which i think does NOT exìst, since abuse is when you're tortured, the rest is just part of life. But defnitely in a soul crushing way. He's been taking away happiness and peace of mind from me since i was born and never really quit even when i became an adult. He is just obnoxious, mean and whiny. And age didnt make him better. When he learned about my health stuff, he worried but suddenly turned the argument on himself, lamenting how miserable he is and how everyone disappoinbts him. After a few minutes of that i realized he didnt listen to what i just told him about me. When i repeated the whole thing, he just said "whatever". He is a scumbag.
My mother. Well she drinks. And hates. I have talked about this, so many times, i feel ridiculous talking about it again. I poften feel disgust towards myself for mentioning this "family issues", on here. makes me feel like i'm "one of those whiny emo bloggers" as a person called me once. But since this ois my OWN place to write down my thoughts, i'll do this anyway. Get lost if it bothers you.
So she drinks everyday, all day. I remember living with her. Shge is sober just for the time she's required to do her basic survival tasks. For the rest of the time she's drunk, full of pills, hateful and destructive.
As i explained my points to her, she just spewed hate on me. Yeah, she was worried, but the worry just made her angrier. It happens like that. A mind filled with hate and resentment against a life that is miserable and wasted, lashes out at any moment of tension against the ones you feel is responsible for your miseryu. So she hoped i would die, since i am what destroyed her life, a person that steals money to spend on filth and drugs, a person that she should have aborted, since all that my birth caused her was pain and misery. She is ashamed of me and thinks i'm repulsive and disgisting. And my health problems is what i deserve for being so.
Part of that is supposed to be made by alcohol but i believe that all the hate that comes out when someone drinks is just uninhibited truth, without the coat of smiling paint that sobriety puts on it.
Its not enecessarily "in vino veritas" but what a drunk tells you repeatedly when they drink, is what their brain hides under layers of fake love an niceness, which alcohol and drugs strip away. hate is the most real and honest of all feelings. Much more than love. It's the natural reaction, where love is fabricated, and alcohol sets it free.
So yeah, she's a scumbag too.
In the end i got my back kinda fixed and i'm really better. I wont die as soon as i thought. But i'm still alone, i'm a scumbag and most of what should be my close family is too. And my best friends are far away. Gotta think that one over.